Daft Old Duffer returns. Guest opinion articles do not necessarily reflect the views of the publication. Ed
I indulged myself earlier in the week and bought one of those packets of ‘in-house’ biscuit concoctions.
Mine came from Sainsbury’s, but they’re also available in the Co-op.
I’ll say nothing of the flavour – officially strawberry and cream – except that after eating one a day for the past four days it shouldn’t be too long before the sick feeling goes away.
What is this nonsense?
It’s the legend printed on the bag that caught my eye however –
We have worked with a team of expert bakers to create a range of premium pastries, cookies, cakes and artisan inspired breads
They have a problem with u
‘Cookies’ I can understand. It’s a word invented by the Americans because they can’t handle the ‘u’ letter in’ biscuit’. Ask any American to pronounce ‘jaguar’ and you’ll see what I mean. Quite clearly their mouths are simply not the right shape.
Plus it allows them to shove together such weird concoctions as no properly civilised nation would dream of pouring into the same mixing bowl. (I have yet to come across mushroom and blueberry hamburger. But I bet they’re out there somewhere).
‘Cakes’ is obvious. As any Englishman knows they are soft wheat-based, sugar laden delights that don’t coat your fingers and faces with goo. Any that do being, of course, ‘gateau’.
But what on earth are ‘premium pastries’? Are they made from premium pastry, as wine is from the premium crux?
If so, where can I buy second cut sweeties?
And finally ‘artisan inspired breads’.
Is the word ‘artisan’ a politically correct way of saying ‘bulls**t’?
Do you know, I rather think it might be.