Jonathan Dodd‘s latest column. Guest opinion articles do not necessarily reflect the views of the publication. Ed
I’ve been writing this column now for three years. That’s about 1,200 words per week, nearly 60,000 words per year, or 180,000 words altogether. That’s about the length of a reasonably hefty novel. And I’m not counting all the reviews and suchlike I’ve also produced.
I was a bit astonished when I worked this out, I have to say. I do read on average a book a week, although I used to read a lot more when I was younger, and many of these are reasonably hefty, so it takes me a week to read the equivalent of three years of my column contributions. I’ve also written two novels myself, both of which took me several years to produce.
The faint praise that would break my writer’s back
I have never submitted either of these novels. There isn’t a good reason for this, apart from my conviction that these works could be just terrible, and I don’t want to think about how I would feel if various publishers told me that. Or they could be just average, which would be the faint praise that would break my writer’s back. But my worst and best scenario, and the one I hang on to, is of course that they’re so brilliant that nobody would understand them anyway.
Of course, there’s no comparison between writing these short pieces that arrive out of nowhere once a week, and the awful huge ghastly slog of actually writing a novel. My first one was half-written and then I had an eight-year hiatus, when I couldn’t write the novel, and I couldn’t write anything else because I was supposed to be writing the novel. If writers aren’t perpetually mad, this is one of the madnesses that occasionally swamps them.
The one that people say reading it changed their lives
I had to start a writers’ circle to jump-start my writing again. I needed a group of people around me who would be very annoyed with me if I didn’t complete it, and it worked. They all read it, and generally they liked it, but I don’t actually know whether it falls into the average bag or the too brilliant bag, and it sits in my hard drive muttering to itself about not being appreciated or even read by anyone and it makes me feel guilty. I already know that the second novel is just too brilliant.
I find it much easier to write these columns, and what comes out is a mixture of fiction and observation and stories from my past or just made-up stuff, and sometimes someone tells me they read it and that makes me feel ridiculously good. But I know deep down that I should be writing that novel that manages to be brilliant and also a best-seller, the one that people say reading it changed their lives. Oh how I wish!
What these authors might actually be like in real life
Someone a few weeks ago asked me how long I’ve been writing this column, and when I told him, he said two things. The first thing was this. ‘Have you ever repeated yourself?’ This brought me out in a cold sweat, because it’s my greatest fear. I hope I haven’t, and I hope someone tells me if I do.
The second thing he said was this. ‘So presumably if someone read all of your columns from the start they would have a pretty good idea by now of who you are and what you’re like.’ This was an interesting idea, and I hadn’t thought about that before. I have my favourite authors, and have even read the entire oeuvre of some of them, but I have really never thought about what these authors might actually be like in real life.
Or maybe their ridiculous pomposity
I remember many years ago there was a sitcom on television called Till Death Us Do Part, featuring Alf Garnett, a terrible old-fashioned man with the most horrible opinions. The writer, Johnny Speight, was interviewed, and he said he specifically wrote the character like that because he wanted to highlight such outdated attitudes and beliefs by showing them up in all their illogical and pompous ridiculousness. Or maybe their ridiculous pomposity. He revealed that Alf Garnett had become enormously popular instead, and was receiving ten thousand letters every week supporting his views.
The truth is that no writer has any real idea of whether they’re any good, and without fail they’re amazed when anyone gives them a good review. It’s also true that anything you write that gets published anywhere is no longer your responsibility, and people will read into it what they want. So I have no idea whether these columns reveal anything about me or whether anyone has an image of me that’s anywhere near accurate. I’m just grateful if anyone does read them. Really.
Music changed once it became possible to record it
This isn’t just true for writing. I was watching some programmes last night on the television, about how music changed once it became possible to record it. There was a story about Bruce Springsteen and his great angry song about Vietnam veterans coming home broken in mind or body and getting no help or understanding. He called it “Born in the U.S.A.”, and the cover showed part of a huge Stars and Stripes with him standing in front of it.
Apparently, Ronald Reagan used this song in his presidential election campaign, without asking permission, and used the wonderful riff and the title and the flag, completely ignoring, or more likely, never even listening to, the actual words. The programme didn’t mention how Springsteen reacted to this, but I would have liked to hear it.
A version that would fit the story
So I always read books as things in themselves. I don’t usually wonder whether the stories reflect the author’s actual opinions or events from their own life, and even if they did, I suspect they would produce a version that would fit the story in the book rather than the actual truth. And anyway, if you ask two people to describe the same event that they both attended, they would come up with completely different descriptions.
It’s harder to do this with films. I know people who won’t watch a film if it has Michael Caine in it, or Tom Cruise, or even Robin Williams, because the ‘don’t like them’. I try to explain that these are actors, they’re playing parts to fit the films they’re in and the things they say or do are written by a screenwriter and most likely don’t reflect their actual characters or views, but this approach has never worked.
The fear of having nothing to say
If you say you don’t like an author, you’re usually actually referring to their style, or the themes or subjects they write about, and I can understand that. Some writers are angrier or more in-your-face than others, or they waffle, or they just push some of those buttons that make you throw the book against the wall. I’ve done that myself a few times.
So all this is really about me saying I have no idea if you read these columns and get some idea of who I am, and whether I would recognize myself from your description anyway. Generally I’m just grateful that I manage to overcome the fear of having nothing to say that makes me play Spider Solitaire for four hours before I can force myself to start writing, and I have to say I love finding the pictures afterwards, and I’m always delighted to get to the end, when I write …
If you have been, thank you for reading this. But remember, I could just be making it all up.
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