pollyanna v paranoid android

Jonathan Dodd: Pollyanna vs The Paranoid Android

Jonathan Dodd’s latest column. Guest opinion articles do not necessarily reflect the views of the publication. Ed


I suppose it’s no secret that I voted to stay. I never pretended to have any answers, and I’m not entirely sure yet (as if I ever will be) of the deciding factors that swayed me in that direction. I certainly don’t like the present government, or rather the government that was until very recently. But I did at least have an idea of what they wanted and where they thought we should be going.

They were far too enthralled by the rich and powerful, they certainly didn’t believe in an equal and just society, and they ignored the rising tide of disgust and anger among the dispossessed and badly-educated, and the zero-hour contractors, those who had seen their wages and/or benefits cut, and those who felt they no longer had a voice.

Squeezed the life out of defenceless institutions
They failed to notice any of that, and they quite casually squeezed the life out of defenceless institutions like libraries and support services and those things the English traditionally hold dear that give no actual value but express our sense of decency and fairness. Like public toilets, and parks, and the occasional opportunity to park without paying.

free parking on monopoly board

Sometimes they realised that they were going too far. They threatened the BBC, which was perhaps the last straw for some. But above all, they did have some idea, and they stuck to it, right or wrong. You always knew what they were going to do about the economy, for instance. No surprises there.

Separated from the rest of us by a gilded curtain
I never liked or trusted them, I thought they were over-privileged and rich and fundamentally separated from the rest of us by a gilded curtain. It’s no coincidence that the majority of the Cabinet was manned by old Etonians.

le pont neuf empaquete

I don’t have any problems with Eton. It’s a very good school, providing excellent education. I have a problem with all the other schools not being as successful, and I have a problem with the idea that you can be kept at Eton for a year cheaper than in our overcrowded and remarkably less successful prisons.

A cultural exchange
How about a cultural exchange? We could put up some over-privileged people in the nick, and give some real help to some who wouldn’t know a privilege if you hit them on the head with one. Human beings being what they are, I do believe that you’re not born intelligent because your parents are middle-class.

eton college entrance

Equally, your blood is not blue if you’re born royal, and any child born to poor parents could, given the right support and education, become as successful than any of the current crop of suits appearing on our TV screens regularly. Occasionally they do make it to the top, but this is despite the odds.

Our habit of toadying
I’d like to change those odds. Not entirely, because I think everyone should have the opportunity to make loads of money if they’re good at that. But I do dislike our habit of toadying either to people whose parents were rich or people who have become rich.

Whipping boy

I’m reminded of a story I once heard, about a young prince who was not allowed to go to school. Why? Because he was a prince, of course. A young tutor was engaged to teach him instead, and a whipping-boy was also taken on. In those days it was thought that education had to be beaten in to children.

The tutor complained that the prince wasn’t working hard enough, and refused to beat the whipping-boy. In truth he would have preferred to teach the whipping-boy and punish the prince.

“I should punish you if you do not work,” he said.
“You can’t punish me.”
“Why can’t I punish you?”
“Because my father is the King, of course!”
“And how did he become king?”
“Because his father was king.”
“And how did he become king?”
“He slaughtered his opponents and stole their lands and money!”

I apologise if I’ve plagiarised this story, but it sometimes brings me comfort in difficult times.

The soon-to-be-previous government
I didn’t actually want to stay in Europe because of the soon-to-be-previous government. I wanted to stay because I like the idea of free movement and treating people equally, and working together, and pledging to remain friends, even if it’s difficult sometimes. And let’s face it, we were always the most difficult member of the club.

crying toddler

The main reason why I couldn’t vote Leave was because those who advocated it appeared to have no idea what they would actually do if we did leave. It seemed like they were in love with the idea itself, and just weren’t very happy to be in any kind of club, rather like those children whose idea of a game is to make everyone do what they want. “It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to”.

Free to say what they really think
There was a second reason too. I disliked most of the people who were calling for Brexit. They seemed either to be wanting to go back to a past that only existed in their imagination, or they were scared of foreigners and wanted to pull up the drawbridges or they were just angry and wanted to blame and punish someone. These people turned the Leave campaign at times into a joyless, racist, xenophobic rant-filled hate-fest.

racists go home banner

If you voted to leave for none of the reasons above, I want to affirm that you personally weren’t party to that nastiness. But I don’t remember anyone complaining about it at the time. And now all those people feel free to say what they really think. A small vital part of civilised society has been lost. Restraint and respect have been knocked to the ground and trampled on.

Good education and libraries and freedoms for all
If anyone who voted to leave finds in the near future that hate-crime increases, and none of those precious dreams of a white England or sudden prosperity and a renewed NHS don’t materialise, I shall sympathise with them, and if we do enter a golden age of freedom and prosperity where English teachers and doctors and skilled workers once again rule the world, I shall celebrate with them and eat every one of these words.

College graduate students

I would love to live in a country filled with good education and libraries and freedoms for all in equal measure to thrive and succeed. And whenever I get the opportunity I shall support anyone who wants to help turn these aims into reality. The trouble is, I just don’t see it happening.

All the conspirators fighting it out over who takes over
Part of me thinks the whole thing might have been a brilliantly orchestrated bid to gain the leadership of the country. Although that could at least have given the whole thing some dignity and gravitas, they just don’t appear to have that much dedication or teamwork. It’s like Julius Caesar all over again, with all the conspirators fighting it out over who takes over.

double rainbow

But I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt. They won the vote, and this is a democracy. Let’s wait and hope. My inner Pollyanna and my inner Marvin the Paranoid Android are keeping silent for the moment. I hope it doesn’t develop into a grudge fight. Perhaps there is a bright future awaiting all of us. You never know.

Cut from exactly the same cloth as the last lot
My instincts keep telling me that the future’s bright only for a different clique from the same chosen few. They do seem to be cut from exactly the same cloth as the last lot. “Meet the new boss. Same as the old boss.”

First Lady Bess Truman

What is true is that we’re waving goodbye to the rest of Europe. Goodbye. Auf Wiedersehen. Au Revoir. Arrivederci. Goodbye. I shall miss you.

If you have been, thank you for reading this.


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