With no intention of stepping on the toes of VB’s regular spoof contributor Pappa Clip, VB reader Einstein’s Ghost has sent in this topical spoof to share with VB readers. We hope it’s taken in the light-hearted manner in which it’s intended. Ed
The normally sedate Isle of Wight was waking up this morning to find itself the focus of the World’s media, after a High Court Judge ruled that the Island’s Council was “pretty much to blame for just about everything” including “the middle east crisis, climate change and international terrorism”.
Council hid behind statutory provision
In a blistering attack which left councillors reeling, he also accused them of resorting to “Machiavellian techniques” in order to divert attention and hide their guilt.
Speaking on the steps of the Old Bailey after the case, Veronica Smite QC who represented the protest group which bought the action said, “for many years now, this council has hidden behind the provision of such things as schools, libraries and refuse collection whilst they and they alone, orchestrated a collection of policy’s that has led directly to some of the World’s most intractable problems and all without any public consultation or even planning permission.”
Her words were cheered by a group of campaigners from the Island who beat plastic buckets with spades together.
Ms Smite then continued, “Their attempts to divert attention even included severe cutbacks to local services in order to provide a smokescreen to the global mess they have created.”
I’ll passé on Kasabian
Downing Street issued a statement “unreservedly condemning” the Council’s actions and added that, “This is a black day for local government and for the Prime Minister personally, who has some jolly nice memories of family holidays spent on the Island as a child,” and that, ” only this year he had attended the Isle of Wight festival and found it ‘groovy’, despite Kasabian being “a little passé now.”
Annie Hide Your Gun
It has also emerged that given the role Isle of Wight councillors have played in global warming, that the next Kyoto Summit on climate change should be moved to Newport.
The only venue that may be suitable for the conference, The Medina Theatre, was already booked with an amateur production of ‘Annie Get Your Gun’.
The box-office have advised that although their are some seats still available, delegates would need to ‘keep their voices down’ and suspend debate entirely during the songs. On a more positive note, security concerns should be lessened by the high cost of ferries to the Island which should keep away most protesters.
Tut, tut, tut
Local reaction to the news was swift. The Island’s main newspaper The Isle of Wight County Press had reports of the devastating news on its front page, which summed up the Zeitgeist on the Island with the banner headline ‘Outcry over Ventnor woman’s suggestive topiary’.
On page 96 however, tucked away in the Bowls results page, the County Press echoed the disgust felt by most Islanders to the news with the blistering headline, ‘Tut!’
Image: Steve Punter under CC BY 2.0
