But ‘didn’t Like To Make A Fuss About It’
The following account was told to me by Arald “smokes never did me no ‘arm” Alverstone as he sucked on his last Capstan Full strength. He spoke in almost pure Phlegm, a dialect with which I am, fortunately conversant.
“Half a dozen of us went,” he coughed “all builders. It was the slack season so we was glad of the work. We went up in that Blue streak – you know the rocket we built here on the Island.”
(Arald emitted a strange creaking noise at this point which I later diagnosed as laughter)
“Oh yes, I know it was supposed to have been scrapped – but it never was. Truth is, when the Yanks announced they was going to try for the moon in ten years, we sent them a note offering to do it in seven. But they wasn’t best pleased. Said it had to be an all-Yank effort and if we didn’t shut up they’d tell everyone the truth about that Special Relationship crap.
Preparing the landing site
“But then at the last minute they needed our help. We had to go up and get the landing site ready. It had to be perfectly flat and level, see because at that time the Yanks hadn’t got the idea of independent suspension and they were worried their cart-wheel springing wouldn’t be up to the job.
“So up we went a couple of days beforehand. Took us just under a couple of hours to get there. I remember – found a nice spot, unloaded the digger and made it all nice and level. Then we set up the floodlights and cameras and waited.
Wild goose chase
“And waited; and waited. Seems the bloke the Yanks had told off to plan the journey was a German, and the Germans were as pee’d off as we were about them claiming all the credit. So he’d sold them this ridiculous three times round the world and then off at some daft circular route idea. Just to get his own back you understand. Told us afterwards he never thought for a second they’d fall for it. But you know the Yanks.
“Incidentally, this is where the London bus on the moon story probably came from. I remember Cockney Charlie saying at the time ‘they’d ‘ave got ‘ere quicker if they’d taken a bleedin’ bus.’
Kept us waiting
“Then, when they did finally come into view they sat in orbit for an hour while they munched a couple of burgers each, extra fries and large coke.
“To be fair, apparently it wasn’t because they were hungry. It was part of the contract they had with their sponsors, McDonalds and Coca-Cola.
“Then, when ‘The landing’ did come it was of course a disaster. Away they went-bouncing and sliding about all over the shop till they finished up a hundred yards away and standing at a very peculiar angle. So peculiar they daren’t try and get out till we’d carted across some scaffolding we’d brought along just in case and propped them up with it.
“All of which meant our lights and cameras were in the wrong place. Which accounts for the fuzzy pictures and shadows in the wrong place. As for the waving about flag bit – that was down to one of the Yanks who was in charge of securing the film rights and wanted more drama. We told him there was no wind on the moon, but he just gave one of them superior-race type sneers and muttered ‘not today maybe’ and kept kicking the pole.
“Anyway, having got down and made their silly speech they clearly had no idea what to do next. Probably because there was nobody to shoot. So they just fooled about a bit, doing that silly jumping and giggling and then got back in and said they wanted to go home. Luckily Bert Burt had brought along some kitchen foil and gaffer tape, so we were able to patch the hole they’d made with their silly helmets crashing about, and with a bit of a shove off they went.
“Leaving us to clear up the coke and bud cans and the burger wrappers.
“But as Harry Winstone said, we should be used to that by now – clearing up the shite the Yanks leave behind.”
