Jonathan Dodd‘s latest column. Guest opinion articles do not necessarily reflect the views of the publication. Ed
Of all the species that were ever were on this jewel of a planet that swam or flew or slurped in the mud or swung through the trees, there’s only one that seems completely inadequate for normal life, and that’s us.
Some animals are born with the ability to run immediately, and some of them have to make use of that or be eaten before they’ve started. Some take time and a lot of care to become fully fleshed and furred or feathered while learning how to look after themselves.
Clever enough to invent clothing
Humans fall into the latter category, with one exception. We have no fur, apart from the tops of our heads and a couple of other places I shan’t mention, and we would be completely unprotected from the elements and sharp objects, had we not been clever enough to invent clothing.
We take for granted the plumage and fur of our fellow planet-dwellers, and we actually feel revulsion for certain species without it. There’s a breed of cat that has no fur, and it makes me shudder. That skin wasn’t meant to be out in the air without a fur coat. And there are certain hideous fish I’ve seen on TV, lurking in the deeps of the oceans, blind and putty-coloured. They give me the creeps too.
That’s quite a feat in itself
We’ve managed to stick around without insulating and protective covering, and that’s quite a feat in itself. We’ve even managed to migrate from the small portion of the planet where a person could conceivably survive without frying or freezing. I don’t know whether we lost our fur because we made clothes, or whether we made clothes because we got cold, but it was a winning strategy.
I think that’s an astounding thing to invent, probably of more use and significance that the harnessing of fire, but that was only the beginning. Our relationship with clothing, or the lack of it, is possibly the most complex area of our behaviour, individually and as a race.
Then I used my own ingenuity
Aside from our ingenuity, the other thing that marks us out is our ability to take something and run with it, preferably in all directions, as far as we can. I remember when small computer chips were invented and we were earnestly debating how they were going to change our lives, and then someone gave me a musical tie.
When you pressed Rudolph’s nose, conveniently situated front and centre, two things happened. First, Rudolph’s nose lit up as bright a red as a red thing could be. Second, a horribly tinny thing inside the tie played a very dodgy version of “Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer”. I discovered pretty quickly there was no OFF button, and then I used my own ingenuity to shut the thing violently in a desk drawer, and the ghastly racket dwindled away pathetically. It reminded me in a considerably less impressive way of HAL, the computer in ‘2001 – A Space Odyssey’.
Technology for such a trivial purpose
When I performed an autopsy on the offending tie, I discovered that there was indeed a microchip in there. I mourned, not for the tie, of course, but for the appalling misuse of brand-new state-of-the-art technology for such a trivial purpose. But then I realised that all the ties and mugs and cards made sure that these chips were mass-produced, which brought the price down, so that actually useful machines would become cheaper.
For a short while, making things musical was a craze. There was also a tee shirt, I remember, which could be programmed to scroll a message across your chest. I never worked out how that fared in the washing machine.
It’s just not possible to own too many Hawaiian shirts
I’m going to a family event soon, and I’ve been looking through my wardrobe trying to find something smartish to wear. Too many Hawaiian shirts to wade through, although really, I understand perfectly that it’s just not possible to own too many Hawaiian shirts.
I heard Jo talking to her sister on the phone, saying – “He’s only got two ties – one for interviews and one for funerals”. I didn’t mention that I don’t even wear ties for funerals any more. And I couldn’t stop myself wondering what on earth the purpose is for ties. Apart from putting musical computers in.
Small holes for collar studs
I still remember my school uniform, which was not so much designed as thrown together from a few odd items left over at the end of a jumble sale. There were grey trousers with most-important turn-ups, a shapeless brown tweed jacket, a blue-and-white striped collarless shirt with small holes for collar studs, a separate white collar (at least they didn’t expect this to be starched and stand-up), and a ridiculous tie, mainly green and brown and yellow diagonal stripes.
Unlike the originals, which nobody even not in their right mind would ever buy or wear, these had to be bought exclusively from a gentleman’s outfitter at a ridiculously inflated price. Thank goodness nowadays they make you wear a polo shirt and a sweatshirt, although the colours are usually hideous.
We’re all making ourselves psychically unwell
I haven’t even mentioned fashion, in all its glory. Clothes have evolved into possibly the largest industry on the planet, given the manufacture of ever more exotic materials, and the amount of clothes we buy.
I have an instinctive worry that we’re using up an ever-increasing percentage of the planet’s resources to feed this voracious appetite, and we’re all making ourselves psychically unwell by the obsessions we’re collecting, all to do with the shape we are and the food we eat (or don’t) and our body image that’s becoming more and more tied up with our concept of self-worth.
Resold in Africa because of the labels
So here we are, inventing clothing that functions to protect us from normal and extreme weather. We’re also able to protect ourselves in completely inhospitable places like the deep sea and outer space. At the same time we’re spending more and more money and resources on clothes that we hardly wear that won’t last anyway, that are manufactured in dodgy conditions in the Third World, which are then collected up and resold in Africa because of the labels.
Of course, like the microchips, the more you make, the cheaper they are, and that’s almost certainly a good thing.
Or maybe it’s a case of The Emperor’s New Musical Tie.
If you have been, thank you for reading this.
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