Jonathan Dodd’s latest column. Guest opinion articles do not necessarily reflect the views of the publication. Ed
I feel sorry for those who gain their position in life through class or privilege. It’s true that you have to work as well as making sure you shake the right hands and make the promises and accept the quid pro quos that will hamstring your future just as surely as if you have a collar put on your neck, but you’ll never know whether you’re really up to the task, in the way that someone who works his or her way up can know.
It seems like we’ve had a lot of people governing over us lately who’ve sprung forth from those pools of privilege that dot our land. I’ve mentioned Eton as an example of this a couple of times recently, and I was thinking about the extraordinary fact that we’ve gone through so much social and economic change, but those same people are still up there, hanging on to the tiller with all their might.
I do not want to be offered any of these top jobs
I want to state in no uncertain terms here that I do not want to be offered any of these top jobs. I know there are fewer and fewer options now that everyone is resigning, rather like the person who’s 53rd in line to the throne suddenly discovering that age and mortality have swept away the 52 unfortunate individuals above. Or even worse, 51 of them. So near, yet so far! I’m now wondering who the 53rd person might be.
In true exhaustive attention to detail, I researched this dutifully, and was surprised to find a lot of uncertainty down there in the nether reaches of sovereignty-searchers. There were a couple of good names. How about King Cassius? Or King Xan? There’s a remotely-possible Queen Cosima there too, and a Zenouska.
They no longer get to elbow past their sisters or female cousins
The women all keep their names when the assume the throne, unless I’m misinformed, but most of the men, who no longer get to elbow past their sisters or female cousins, usually change their names when they get their hands on the prize. They’ll still have to listen to Zadok the Priest though, unless Handel gives way to more populist music.
I’m wondering how much of the whole royal thing is bound up with the pomp and circumstance. It’s quite possible for kings and queens to become very unpopular indeed. Just because the present incumbent takes the job seriously as a family business, doesn’t mean that future generations will be as good or keep the flames of that strange loyalty so well-fuelled.
Words made up just to show off
I’ve been a republican even longer than I’ve been a supporter of proportional representation. And I’ve been a disestablishmentarian just as long, ever since I discovered its opposite, briefly believing antiinterdenominationalism to be the longest word in our glorious language. That was before it was toppled by antidisestablishmentarianism, although I thought that was pushing it a bit. And I refuse to take account of words made up just to show off. That goes too far.
I remember even our own current royal lot having a dip or two. There was an extended period of unpopularity because they were seen to be too distant and Olympian. It took a ground-breaking television series to restore that. How they must have hated those cameras. And the Diana thing didn’t play well. Nowadays the queen doesn’t have to do a lot, because she’s become a sort of granny, or great-granny. Longevity does pay off.
Shooting an aggressive centre-back coming in for a sliding tackle
There’s always a bit of a problem with the rest of the family though. The cousins, and younger siblings. They can’t be relied on to behave well, and being a royal is an expensive business. If you’ve got an estate or marry into money you’re probably going to be able to have the sort of decent life that a minor royal would expect to lead, but if not, there’s pressure to get some sort of job.
Working as a cabinet-maker is just about all right, because your name on the label would guarantee good prices, but a job in a shop wouldn’t do, and perhaps sport isn’t such a good idea, unless it’s on a horse. I can imagine a royal footballer having difficulty with the bodyguards shooting an aggressive centre-back coming in for a sliding tackle, and shouts of “On your head, Cassius!” would be marginally better than “You’re off-side, your Royal Highness!”
Lord High General-in-Chief of several other regiments
They do join the military, which sort of works, except that they’re simultaneously a Second Lieutenant and Lord High General-in-Chief of several other regiments. I wouldn’t want to have to deliver a reprimand to that, and I wouldn’t know which one I was saluting or having a drink with. It must get lonely. They also tend to get lots of the interesting jobs, like flying helicopters, when you can bet your bottom dollar there are better people elbowed aside for them.
But the Royals are still a bit of a sideshow, compared to the scions of aspiring upper-middle-class parents with an eye to family prospects. The right school, the right friends, the right address, the right contribution to the right funds and the right invitations can go a long way towards catapulting your son or daughter into the fast track to success. Whether they want it or not.
Just being loyal can get you in one door or another
The public schools and Oxbridge go a long way towards this hothousing of supposed talent. You do generally have to be bright to get to the top, but just being loyal can get you in one door or another. As a closed system it appears to function well, and you can nod towards meritocracy by bringing on some deserving bright kids from disadvantaged homes, as long as they recognise and play by the rules and there aren’t too many of them.
It’s all very cosy, and we, the great British public, fall for it because we admire a good accent and an expensive suit. We admire anyone who lives in a house like the one we would like to live in, rather than striving to do well enough to buy it ourselves. We’re also amazingly snobbish on their behalf. And we don’t require these people to do their jobs very well. Some of them are more like expensive entertainers.
Reminding the besuited betrayers of their actual crimes
Recently we bristled at the idea that Jeremy Corbyn might not bow to the queen or wear a suit and tie in parliament, as if he was betraying us personally, rather than reminding the besuited betrayers of their actual crimes. His predecessor Clement Attlee brought in educational reform and the NHS and the Welfare State, before he was replaced by the same ranks of toffs.
I’m beginning to sound like a closet revolutionary, a sort of Isle of Wight Pinko neo-liberal Hampstead person. It’s approaching that time when some clever person pipes up with the idea that I might be jealous of all these people because of their success. The thing is that I’m not. I just like fairness, and equality. There’s a difference between the two. I saw a cartoon the other day that illustrates this perfectly. I’ll try to reproduce it here.
Buy into the idea, and then apply it
The idea I’m trying to put across is that everyone should be able to have the best opportunities available to them to become what they might be. I’m talking about health, and education, and freedom from the bad effects of lousy housing and lack of opportunity. If they don’t want to take advantage of that, that’s their business, but they shouldn’t be able to say that they were prevented by unfairness. Equality is split into two. You need to buy into the idea, and then you need to apply it.
There are areas of life where this works very well, and others where it fails in quite different ways. You could be lucky enough to have a good teacher who encourages you and fires your imagination and you could end up being a wonderful teacher yourself. Or you could be a good footballer, you could be spotted and encouraged with training and opportunities and some luck, and end up driving a fleet of Bentleys. I think that’s probably going too far. On the other hand, you could be a potential footballer who lives in a bad area of some city and get dragged into crime or the local gang before you have a chance of being discovered.
They seem to have a desperation about them
There are people out there who are bound to make a name for themselves in the arts or finance or business or crime. At least they find their area of expertise and they make their own way and know they have fought for and earned everything they have. There are, equally, a lot of people who are quite content to stay as they are and measure the success of their lives in the happiness of their children and the paying off of their mortgage.
I’m certain there are many politicians and bankers and businessmen out there who believe passionately in what they’re doing, who know how lucky they are and who want to help others in some way, and I salute them for their integrity and strong values. People like Jo Cox, who was struck down recently in such a hateful and pointless way. Yet at the same time I see lots of them struggling to claw their way to the top of the pile, and they seem to have a desperation about them.
Be careful what you pray for, in case you get it
I’ll never forget an impression I got from a certain recent Prime Minister when they realised they had won. Their campaign had been all about winning, with little substance or policy revealed. The look on their face was one of panic. When you spend all your life aiming for one point you’re going to become confused once you get there, because you won’t know what you’re supposed to do next.
I feel less sorry for those who aim for the top and fail, because they at least are given a job, or are handed a second chance, and an opportunity to put their talents to another use. It’s a case of – “Be careful what you pray for, in case you get it”. In the same way, people can be thrust into positions that they’re plainly not suited for, because of who they are. I don’t think that’s fair, in exactly the same way that I don’t think it’s fair that the right person is prevented at the same time from doing that job properly.
With very little effort and some generosity of spirit
We could be kinder towards our fellow citizens. We could redistribute a little wealth. We could improve our environment, and spend more on education and training. We could celebrate those whose journeys have been longer or harder, and admire people who get to the top with their integrity still intact. We could do all this with very little effort and some generosity of spirit.
I think this is the way to get our country back, and this is how we might make ourselves great again.
If you have been, thank you for reading this.
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