Jonathan Dodd‘s latest column. Guest opinion articles do not necessarily reflect the views of the publication. Ed
I know I have a terrible fear within these columns of repeating myself, and I’m almost 99% certain that I haven’t, not that it stops me worrying that I might have been repeating myself for ages and don’t even remember. And since nobody has pointed it out, I thank you for your kindness in not mentioning it, unless it never happened. We used to worry about letting the cat out of the bag. Nowadays we worry that the cat may have died in the box. But I worry about why we need stories about putting cats in bags or boxes at all.
For instance, before Pandora opened the box, someone had to invent the stuff that would need to be locked in the box, and then they would have to have invented the box to put it in. Then Pandora would have had to be born, and then she would have needed to be so spoiled that it would be necessary for her to open it.
It’s a mystery to me
If none of those things had happened, we wouldn’t have had evil things to contend with in this world, so the story goes, and nobody would have been tempted to embark on a life of crime or immorality. Or would they? I don’t know. It’s a mystery to me.
This is where, in a playful post-modernist way, I allow myself to repeat myself. Twice. Maybe. Perhaps my memory works well in one way, so that I remember previously mentioning something, but not so well the other way, so I can’t remember whether I didn’t mention something. For instance, when I was writing about poor old Pandora I thought about the Adam and Eve story, and I was very sure that I hadn’t written about that, but then I started thinking I might have.
Because she had been told not to
It’s all so confusing, this memory thing. So when I say that the Adam and Eve story was a frame-up I may have said it before, but I’m fairly sure I didn’t. Perhaps I’m just hedging my bets by saying I might have, in case I did. I hope you’ll forgive me if that’s the case.
What I think is interesting is that Pandora and Adam and Eve had to be given all the facilities and opportunities that would guarantee they took the bait and opened the box. Or ate the apple. If Pandora was a polite and well-brought-up girl she would have put the box away and never even thought about opening it, because she had been told not to.
Eden might have become a little crowded by now
Ditto Adam and Eve. It was a frame-up, I tell you. If they hadn’t been given free will and lots of commands starting with “Don’t”, then they wouldn’t have listened to the serpent and we’d still all be in Eden. And how did the serpent get to be that nasty anyway?
Of course, if Adam and Eve hadn’t eaten the apple, Eden might have become a little crowded by now. And there’s more than a little hint that their prior innocence was rather tied up in not knowing what sort of thing men and women could get up to, so theoretically they could still be there on their own, and all human history not even a dream of a thought of a glimmer of an idea in anyone’s imagination.
Echoing down the corridors of time like that
The other thing I’m going to mention again is the old jellyfish joke. The one that goes – ‘Do you like jelly?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Do you like fish?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Then you must be a jellyfish!’ You’re absolutely right, it wasn’t funny the first time either. Except to a five-year-old girl in a school playground about 40 years ago. Absurd to think of it echoing down the corridors of time like that, but it keeps coming back. And it keeps wanting to reappear in my column.
The reason for the jellyfish joke this time is all about the reappearance of another slightly more significant cultural item reappearing very soon. The new Star Wars film, about which I’m very excited, along with most of the rest of the population of the planet. We all thought there was a lot of fuss about Spectre, but this just goes to show that the big daddy of them all is, and probably always will be, the Star Wars thing.
Into the ‘Don’t Know’ category
I don’t think they’re going to do censuses in the same way any more, but I was amazed to find that over 300,000 people chose ‘Jedi’ as their religion. This is way more than the number of Buddhists in the country. And now a recent poll has shown that more than 50% of the population say they’re not religious. Clearly there are forces at work in the universe. Eddies in the Space-Time Continuum, and all that. Eddie’s in the space-Time Continuum? Get him out of there!
I loved the idea that so many people related to a thing mentioned in a film, and I was sad that the Force seems to be more real than the message so many religions are trying to get across. I was also delighted that the civil servants who were collating the results of the census had only a few boxes they could use, so they bundled up all the Jedis with all the other minority religions into the ‘Don’t Know’ category.
As if everyone else but them got it wrong about Jesus
But the thing that I heard this week that started me off down this particular tenuous mental pathway was a quote from a person from one or other of the multitudes of Christian groups who proliferate, as if everyone else but them got it wrong about Jesus. This person was also a Star Wars fan, and she said something more or less like this. ‘Of course I love Star Wars! And there’s an obvious Christian meaning to it. What else could the Force be?’
That’s what caused my jellyfish moment. Right there. ‘Are you a Christian?’ ‘Yes!‘ ‘Do you love Star Wars?’ ‘Yes!’ ‘Then Star Wars must be Christian!’ I’m only making a point here, not embarking on a religious rant. I’ve had similar discussions with so-called adults, who have sought to persuade me of the wrongness with similar arguments. Like this one. ‘Do you think the Ten Commandments are wrong?’ ‘No.’ ‘So that makes you a Christian!’
It’s not the same thing
I have similar problems with Donald Trump, and every other stupid racist idiot out there who seems to confuse followers of the Muslim faith with terrorists. It’s not the same thing. However you try to conflate them, these are two entirely different things.
It’s insulting to Muslims everywhere, and it’s an insult to all those generations who have survived and reproduced for all these millennia, only to bring into the world people who have wonderful brains full of beautiful creative possibilities, but who waste all that potential on ridiculous rubbish.
Despite my avowed denials
But there’s another side to this too. Here we are about to celebrate Christmas again. A festival entirely bound up in the Christian tradition, with carols and churches and the Baby Jesus and angels and all that lovely stuff, now hijacked by commercial and entirely worldly concerns. I know it’s lovely, but there’s a part of me that feels uncomfortable with the religious aspect of it, even though I wouldn’t like to get rid of Christmas.
My discomfort lies in my participation in a festival at the heart of which is a religious story that I don’t share. And I worry because all those Christians may be encouraged to think I may really still be a Christian despite my avowed denials. It goes like this. ‘Do you love Christmas?’ ‘Yes!’ ‘So you must be a Christian!’
We should also forgive the Christians
Perhaps we could find a way to celebrate all the good stuff about families and love and the desire for peace and goodwill amongst all men (and women) that could be universal, without having to feel uncomfortable with the religious content. And we should also forgive the Christians for stealing the winter solstice festival from previous religions, and for not even being able agree on when Christmas should be celebrated.
Notwithstanding (I love that word!) all the above waffling, I want to wish all of you (if you, my dear readers, amount to a number that could be called ‘all’ in any way), the best and loveliest of Christmases, full of joy and good cheer and the love of family and friends. And good things on TV, and presents, and drink and food of the highest quality, and laughter and warmth and comfort. And Star Wars. And if you have religious thoughts, may they be good ones.
And please avoid the jellyfish. When you spot them, just shout ‘JELLYFISH!’ at them, and they’ll slink away, like the serpents do.
If you have been, thank you for reading this.
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