Jonathan Dodd: Waiting so long

Jonathan Dodd‘s latest column. Guest opinion articles do not necessarily reflect the views of the publication. Ed

Sometimes I think the hardest thing to learn in life is how to wait. So many things, many of them hard enough already, seem to contain an element of waiting for something to happen, and usually there’s nothing we can do during these periods of time to influence anything at all.

We just have to wait. Everybody has to put up with this, without any exception. We all remember from really early in our own childhood, that agony of waiting. For so many things. For Christmas. For the rain to stop. For that interminable summer last lesson before freedom, for the journey to end. For the GCSE results.

The wait for a letter to come through the post
Some of the things we have to wait for are huge lifetime milestones. All those months before a first birth. That gap after an interview for an important job. The degree results. The wait for the all-clear after medical treatment. That meeting at the bank about the first mortgage.

Postman in the air

The wait can be frustrating because the awaited event is going to be joyful or exciting. As in birthday parties or holidays, or the arrival of long-missed relatives from Australia. A once-universal wait has almost disappeared – the wait for a letter to come through the post.

Not knowing whether the outcome will be good or not
We have to wait for bad news too. Knowing that the company is likely to close and your job disappear. Waiting for news of the extent of illness or disaster or damage. All those people in 1939 who knew that war was inevitable and it was just a matter of time before it started. All those people in the Middle East, waiting for one malevolent group of soldiers or another to arrive.

Chamberlain and Hitler

I think some of the most terrible waits must be suffered when there’s little to do during all that time, and not knowing whether the outcome will be good or not. Miners trapped underground waiting for rescue. Prisoners on Death Row wondering how many years they’ll have to wait, hardly daring to dream of that half-hoped-for reprieve.

For someone to love, or for someone to love us
These experiences must be particularly painful if they’re unjust. Political prisoners at the mercy of tyrannical regimes. Innocent prisoners sentenced to harsh punishments through injustice. Survivors in lifeboats or making their slow painful way towards the possibility of rescue.

Lottery winners

And sometimes we just wait in hope, against all expectations, for the thing we want, or feel we deserve, or dare to hope might come our way. We wait for the lottery win, or our team to win the Cup, or our chance to go to Mars, or just to go into Space, or to appear on the X Factor. Or for someone to love, or for someone to love us.

We are in the world but also separate to it
How on earth do we manage to do all that waiting? It’s a mystery to me. Becoming aware of the need to wait may be the first time we notice ourselves in the world. That moment when we first understand that we are in the world but also separate to it. Any baby will tell you when he or she is hungry or uncomfortable, although we may be too slow to respond. Most parents have conveniently forgotten how to speak baby language.

tantrum boy

Having to struggle with waiting may also be early training for adulthood. Our reaction to having to wait and the actions of our parents or other authorities at the time may also influence our characters and behavior for the rest of our lives. Some of us might happily pick up a pencil or a book when told there’ll be nothing to eat until lunchtime. Others might lose their temper, or interpret this as some sort of betrayal.

Our lack of control
There may be people in the world who can have anything they want. They may be happy with this state of affairs, or they might become very angry simply because of the time lapse between their demand and the arrival of the desired thing. On the other hand, there will also be people who have nothing at all, and who have no expectations of anything. And of course, there will be every shade and variation in-between.

George W.Bush in church

The single element in all waiting scenarios is our lack of control. Our ability to wait gracefully or otherwise is moderated by our need to believe we can influence events. Some children worry at something they want until their parents cave in, and they learn to expect to get their way if they make enough trouble for others. Religious people, on the other hand, are usually supposed to remain serene in the face of outside events, and hand over all the responsibility to their deity of choice.

A temper well-controlled
I have to admit that I’ve struggled with the concept of control all my life. Many things used to make me angry. Injustice and bullying in all their forms really annoys me, and the deliberate use of power to make the lives of other people more difficult or frustrating gets my goat too. I’m glad to say that the temper I used to have as a child has now been conquered, although I reserve the right to unleash it if the occasion requires. A temper well-controlled can be a resource rather than a problem.

Teddy bears at berlin wall

I’ve come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as control. Someone in authority may have the power to make decisions over others, but this is by no means absolute or forever or written in stone. I grew up during the Cold War, long may that period moulder in the basement of history, and I was astonished at the speed with which all those East European dictators disappeared in a puff of smoke as soon as the people started to march.

Not always appreciated or remembered
Similarly, in my youth, Spain and Portugal and Greece were ruled by military regimes that had toppled previous governments, and some of these were harsh in the extreme. These countries are now embedded in the E.U. And every country in South America was also ruled by such regimes. Not one of those lasted long, and this makes me very happy.

freedom graffiti

There are people who spend their lives trying to get control. Over themselves, over their families or their communities or their countries. It seems to me that they’re trying to prevent that awful lack of power when waiting for things. At the same time, there are many people who are always trying to loosen the net of control over their lives and everyone else’s. They are not always appreciated or remembered.

Waiting doesn’t usually make us better people
Above all, waiting becomes physical. We actually feel the waiting, not only emotionally, but inside ourselves. We become tense, and we have trouble relaxing. Our eating enjoyment is interrupted, and our normal sleep is disrupted. We find it harder to concentrate, and often we take out our frustrations on those around us. Waiting doesn’t usually make us better people, because the less beautiful aspects of our characters and behaviour can rise to the surface.

Decorated eggs

I haven’t found a cure for this, because it’s something that affects all of us, and in ways that are unique to each of us. We need somehow to be able to talk to ourselves about the truth, and reality, and we need to separate clearly our hopes and desires from the likelihood or not of achieving them. We need to remember that we will survive disappointment, as we have before and no doubt will again. We need to be able to step back from ourselves and keep viewing the larger picture, rather than allowing ourselves to concentrate only on the thing we are waiting for.

Remember to breathe, and try not to jiggle
My advice? Simple. Remember to breathe, and try not to jiggle. Above all, please don’t do something just because you think you can’t stand waiting any longer. Every decision made in haste for this reason leads to some sort of disaster. Keep the faith. Breathe slowly and deeply, let the tension out of your body, do something else for a while. And wait.

Zen meditation child