Einstein’s Ghost returns with another spoof article for VB readers. In his own words. Ed
NIMBYS from across the UK will be descending on the Island later this month for the inaugural AGM of the newly formed British Association of NIMBYS’ (B.A.N.).
Top of the agenda will be the election of the group’s first President and favourite to clinch the title is Islander Emily Spurt, 81 from Godshill.
B.A.N was the brainchild of Emily, who is considered by officials to be the bête noir of planning departments everywhere but an Icon to her numerous supporters.
“Notable victories”
Her status was achieved following many notable victories, such as in 2010 when she successfully halted the building of a new bus shelter, despite the fact it would have been over 3km from her home.
Her argument that it would “encourage bus’s to stop there” won the day and sent shockwaves through planning departments across the Country. Just a week later, her notoriety was secured after she successfully halted the erection of a new rotary clothes dryer in a neighbour’s garden, claiming it was “the right product in the wrong location”.
‘RhythmMethod’ Festival
Earlier this year though, Emily and her followers suffered a rare defeat, when they failed to stop the annual ‘RhythmMethod’ Festival on the Island, when they mistakenly picketed a busker in Newport Bus Station instead.
Other items on the agenda will be the creation of a new national help-line service, offering advice on how to object to any plans ‘for no particular reason’. However, the call-centre is likely to be based in Calcutta, following objections from the Cheltenham NIMBYS’ where it was intended to be built.
New annual award
Also expected is the announcement of a new annual award for those NIMBYS who have demonstrated ‘Outstanding tenacity in the face of overwhelming commonsense’ and will take the form of a gold medal embossed with a ‘wagging finger’ motif.
And with an eye on the future, the meeting is also expected to endorse a new branch for younger members called the ‘NIMBY-Nippers’ and a recruitment drive in Schools is already planned under the guise of Media Studies.
Not everyone is happy about the conference though. Leading figures in the Island’s tourist industry have expressed serious concerns that the publicity generated by an influx of busy-bodies will have a detrimental effect on the Islands image.
‘Lobster World of Adventure’ theme park
The company behind the ‘Lobster World of Adventure’ theme park, told VB, “We and others have worked hard to rid the Island of its stuck-in-the-fifties reputation and as we are currently awaiting planning permission to install a new ‘Muffin the Mule – Wall of Death!’ ride at the park, we could do without this”
Emily Spurt will be in Waterstones, Newport on Saturday signing copies of her latest book, “Over my dead body sunshine!”. All proceeds to B.A.N. Please bring your own pen and comb your hair first.
