An excerpt from the Island Independent. Another Friday spoof submitted by Pappa Clip. Ed
This reporter has learned that the planned closure of certain Island police stations recently announced may not be the end of the planned economies.
The suggestion being seriously considered is that within the next few years the professional police force withdraw from the Island almost entirely, leaving day to day policing in the hands of special, unpaid constables backed up and assisted by neighbourhood watches.
The special constables will keep in regular contact with the Hampshire Police Authority via their own mobile phones and in addition a helicopter, specially fitted out as a mobile police station will regularly visit selected parts of the Island – possibly Cowes, Yarmouth, Newport and Ventnor – two or three times each year, provided budgetary restrictions allow.
All under control
This unit it is felt, will be able competently to deal with matters concerning members of the public that are beyond the scope of the Special Constable.
Under this system,apprehended criminals will be escorted directly to Parkhurst Prison, the arresting constable being authorised to request escorting assistance from any suitable male, if considered necessary, and with bus fares and other essential expenses reclaimable.
Once arrived at the prison the arrested man will be interviewed by a resident magistrate and, according to the severity of his alleged crime either be sentenced directly or held pending the arrival of a circuit judge.
In either case the testimony of two witnesses, one of them being the constable, will serve to establish guilt. And the guilty man will serve his sentence in either Parkhurst or Camp Hill, transport costs to the mainland not being allowable.
Reviving the stocks
There is also a suggestion that relatively minor offences such as breach of the peace or property damage below a certain level of value might be dealt with by a revival of the stocks and ducking stool method.
This is not necessarily taken seriously as yet, though locally enforced labour such as gardening or farmwork may be.
In making these admittedly fundamental changes to the police presence on the Island, the Chief Constable is confident there will be no serious lessening of law and order, and that all concerned remain committed to keeping the Island a safe and peaceful place to live.
He is also keen to point out that the necessary economies will be achieved whilst at the same time meeting the requirements of the Prime Minister’s ‘Big Society’ Which he presumably still believes in. Despite everything.
We hope you enjoyed Pappa Clip’s latest spoof.
