Congratulations to Sandra Singleton from Niton, who won first place in the Adult category of the Wight Fair Writers’ Circle Christmas Writing Competition 2011. Many will relate to her humourous countdown. Ed
Thursday 1st: Count down to Christmas starts today. Must begin my “to do” and “to buy” lists. Haven’t even had my first cup of coffee yet but I have unpacked the desktop fibre-optic tree and switched it on. It looks so pretty next to my screen, continuously changing colours. Mesmerising!
Friday 2nd: Only 4 weeks to go! Which list shall I put wrapping paper under? What about the tree? They could go on both. My lists are growing. My desk tree looks nice and twinkly.
Saturday 3rd: Being jostled and pushed along by trillions of people. Must buy presents, paper, cards. OMG I nearly forgot the cards. And stamps – look at that queue coming out of the Post Office! Should I have told someone my whereabouts in case I become missing in action? Stamps can wait. My feet hurt, my arms hurt. Band Aid’s Do they know it’s Christmas? and Slade’s It’s Chrisssssstmas are fighting to be heard over each other. The Salvation Army don’t stand a chance with Oh Come All Ye Faithful. Why are we all smiling? The shops are so festive and tempting.
Sunday 4th: I’ve got writer’s cramp and whale flavoured gum mouth. I didn’t know I had so many friends and relatives. Have gone past the point of matching cheery robins and nativity scenes for Uncles and Aunts. Whatever card comes out of the packet gets sent to the next person in my address book. I just hope granny Parsons will enjoy a mooning snowman. She’s a game old bird. TURKEY! Add that to my lists.
Monday 5th: Add batteries to my lists. Forgot to turn my fibre-optic tree off when I left on Friday. The queue at the Post Office hasn’t gone down. That can’t STILL be the same people in it surely?! The dead ringer for Santa (or Captain Birds Eye) was definitely there 2 days ago. He has a thermos “¦. good thinking. I wish I had a thermos with coffee and Baileys in it. I wonder if Captain Birds Eye is the same man as Santa? Sailing the seven seas in Summer, lurking in grottos in Winter. Both positions come with a uniform. At least he has a job, so many don’t this year.
Tuesday 6th: These cards are being posted TODAY. It’ll mean joining the queue to play ‘shuffling statues’ with everyone else. Come on for goodness sake! Why on earth are there 4 positions closed out of 7 during the lunch period? Cashier number 3 has been frowning at that piece of scrappy paper for 10 minutes. That’s it, put it to one side and look at it again later. Good grief, she’s picked it up again and NOW she puts her glasses on!
Thursday 8th: What do I want for lunch at the staff Christmas do? Hmmmm usual set menu offerings, tomato soup, pate or prawn cocktail – boring. Turkey with all the trimmings. Yeah, right! A tiddly sausage wrapped in a rock hard slither of streaky bacon with an indigestible stuffing ball. Nothing really tempts me. I can’t even decide what I want for lunch today let alone 2 weeks time.
Friday 9th: I wish work mates wouldn’t send me cards, they’re cluttering up my desk and I can’t find my lists. I’m fed up with looking at dark green bristles in a pot. I MUST get those batteries.
Saturday 10th: The bouncers in green tights wearing elves caps should be employed only for crowd control. Next year the garden centre will need to issue them with shotguns disguised as crackers.
‘Excuse me Madam that is MY Christmas Tree you are trying to walk off with. What do you mean you thought I was holding it out as part of the display team? The tinsel in my hair is for getting into the seasonal spirit NOT because I am a fairy!’
Sunday 11th: Add tree lights to my lists, when I find them. They worked fine when I tested them first thing. What happened between then, strewn out across the floor, and now, on the tree? Oh, they’re on. Nope, they’re off. Oh good, on again. I’ll gently put this final bauble on this branch here and “¦. DAMN! off again. Once I’ve cleared all the boxes and tissue paper away it’ll look lovely.
Monday 12th: Counted 15 pine needles on the lounge floor this morning. I hadn’t put an advent calendar on either list! Bought a chocolate one on my way into work and opened the first 12 days. Ate all the chocolates for breakfast. Felt sick for the rest of the morning. Remembered batteries at lunch time. Office tree glowing red, green and yellow once more. Pretty.
Tuesday 13th: Counted the pine needles under the tree as soon as I got up. Another 15. I won’t panic just yet. It has to last for 3 more weeks. As long as it isn’t a stick come Christmas morning, it’ll be fine. I don’t want my fairy looking as though she is pole dancing.
Wednesday 14th: Improvised with string and drawing pins so I could hang my cards up. Uncovered my lists on my desk. Captain Santa has put his red gear on and is now standing near the Post Office, ringing his bell, “Ho Ho Ho-ing” and shaking his bucket in aid of not one but 10 charities. My pound isn’t going to stretch far. I wonder if I can stipulate I want it used for carrots for the Donkey Sanctuary?
Friday 16th: Ordered my door wreath and a holly cross for my brother’s grave. He was so awkward to buy for when he was here. I wish I still had that conundrum. I can hear “Away in a Manager”. Looking out my window, Captain Santa has just gone past in the back of a trailer. He is sitting on a make-shift throne, under a flimsy, tinsel covered canopy, flanked by two loud speakers the size of dustbins. I had to look twice as the driver is wearing reindeer ears and a big red nose. My tree shedding has slowed down to just 4 needles a day and the lights are on more than they’re off. I’m happy.
Saturday 17th: Cliff Richard has joined in competing against Slade and Band Aid and is belting out Mistletoe and Wine. I can’t hear myself think. Would mum like a Winceyette nightie or a D.I.Y. blood pressure kit and some Steradent? Dad’s easy, a woolly ensemble but not the traditional cardie – a stripy bobble hat with a matching tank top. Actually that’s a nice oven glove with the holly sprigs design. There’s a tea-cosy too. Who can I get that for? I’ll buy it anyway, just in case.
Sunday 18th: It’s official, I hate wrapping. I’m on my second roll of Sellotape. Everything comes in awkward shapes and all the packaging is sharp plastic. Maybe I should put “open with care” tags on them? Everyone will think they have something delicate or expensive inside instead of Mr and Mrs Clause cruet shakers or socks. Whatever happened to easy, safe, square cardboard boxes? I’m eating Monday’s advent chocolate today in case I forget it tomorrow. I may eat Tuesdays too.
Monday 19th: All my presents just need metallic bows. If I buy some today I can stick them on tonight. They’ll cover the Sellotape. Not worth adding to my lists. Note to self, “start crossing things off my lists.” What shall I wear tomorrow for the work’s lunch? What did I order? I fancy lasagne.
Tuesday 20th: I wish I’d worn trousers instead of this black skirt. If Mr Pettigrew pats my knee under the table one more time he’s going to get a fork stuck in his hand. I can’t believe I ordered the vegetable filo parcel! It would be better if it was served up with the soggy salmon option. I hate wearing paper hats from crackers. We all look really daft.
“Yes Mr Pettigrew my blouse is a little low cut, but it is a party. No I couldn’t possibly call you Barry, it wouldn’t seem right. Yes I will have a little more wine thank you. My breasts remind you of Christmas Puddings?! Oh I’m sorry, my fork slipped.”
Wednesday 21st: Feel sick, can’t face my advent chocolate. I shouldn’t have gone on to the pub yesterday. Good grief is that me in the mirror? Can someone be that colour and still be alive? Interesting hair style, not so much ‘bed head’ more ‘pulled through a hedge backwards’ look. Why have I got a jar of luxury mincemeat and some mistletoe next to my toothbrush? Glad I booked the day off. Lots to do still: clean the house, start the trifle, iron the Christmas table cloth and napkins, stick the bows on the presents. Did I buy them? Thumping head. EEEEK! I know why the mistletoe is here – I snogged Barry Pettigrew last night!
Thursday 22nd: If I receive one more email or see one more smirk today, I shall hand my notice in. It was ONE kiss! Thank goodness Barry is away until after Christmas. By the time we have to face each other it will all be forgotten about. Let’s hope everyone else has by then. Still, the raffle ticket I found in my purse gave the clue I needed as to the mincemeat materialisation. I suppose I’d better make mince pies now rather than go to M&S. Can’t be bothered to add it to the lists.
Friday 23rd: Finished at lunchtime today and I’m definitely not going down the pub. I have to track down cranberry sauce, crackers and the obligatory marzipan fruit. Why on earth did I offer to host this year? My goodness the supermarket’s heaving. It’s like watching bees swarming. And there is Captain Santa at the entrance. He certainly gets about a bit. I can hear “Don’t they know it’s Christmas” again!!!!!!!
I need muscles like Popeye to push this trolley. Did I really buy all this picked-too-soon salad stuff, every variety of nut known to man and a sack full of satsumers? The chocolate Yule log is bigger than the Christmas Cake and I could drown a small cat in the tubs of cream and brandy sauce. Most of this will end up sitting in a pile on the kitchen floor, especially this veritable mountain of sprouts because I know my cupboards are already full to bursting. Maybe next year I can invest in a kitchen extension?
Saturday 24th: According to all the cookery programmes on T.V. by now all I should be doing is shaking sprinkles on top of my trifle, laying the table and preparing the stuffing for the turkey. THE TURKEY. IT’S STILL IN THE FREEZER. Good grief it’s like a cannon ball. Right don’t panic. I’ll put it on the window sill in the sun and check on it later. Rolling out ready-made pastry, plopping in filling and sealing it up counts as home baking doesn’t it? I hope my guests will be impressed by my sausage rolls and mince pies. Egg wash or milk? Does it matter? I’m sure they’ll go brown regardless. Why has most of my cheshnuts exploded in the oven? I’ll use Paxo and add what’s left, no one will know the difference.
Stood in the churchyard and laid my holly cross. “Miss you Bruv.” It’s so busy here this time of year yet somehow it remains serene. How sad, there’s a fresh mound of earth nearby. The robin seems happy enough, easy pickings for worms.
Midnight Christmas Eve: The turkey is languishing in a bath of warm water, the lights and the pine needles remain on the tree. My door wreath is propped artistically on the doorstep, all presents have bows, my lists are in shreds and I’ve just opened the last Christmas card. It’s from Barry!
I raise my glass of eggnog (why AM I drinking this?) and toast in the new day. Happy Christmas.
Image: Koalazymonkey under CC BY 2.0
