With the Boundary Commission releasing details on Tuesday of how they propose to divide the Isle of Wight into two voting constituencies, we’re grateful to Retired Hack for sending us this piece – a tongue in cheek view of potential obstacles from the split. Perhaps he’s been phone hacking? :) – Ed
If, as seems distinctly and unpleasantly possible, we end up with Messrs Turner and Pugh as our two MPs, the first urgent task for the IW Council, even as it struggles to come to terms with the sudden loss of the Great Leader, will be to construct a heavily-fortifed, coast-to-coast boundary fence between the constituencies.
A United Nations peacekeeping force, or failing that a detail of surplus-to-requirements volunteer librarians, will be needed to keep the warring parties apart. Their chief deterrent will be a line of very small wind turbines, which, as well as meeting strict IW planning criteria, will decapitate anyone tempted to break the uneasy truce.
Demarcation line
Somewhere along the demarcation line a facility will be required to allow our elected representatives to exchange insults at close quarters across a table. A vintage railway carriage in the sidings at Havenstreet would carry a certain historical resonance.
Someone (but please, not the bloke who’s been practising on the Niton to Newport road) needs to paint a straight white line down the middle of the table, with the little flags and bottles of water (gassy for AT and even gassier for DP) arranged neatly on either side.
Here is the agenda for the Truce Committee’s first meeting:
- South Wight (access to ferry ports) protocol. The agreed interim arrangement, involving the former Cowes Floating Bridge service from Ventnor to Bournemouth, is not considered sustainable in the long term on health and safety grounds, especially since the chains were lost somewhere off Bembridge and the structure is compromised by gribble-worm infestation.
- Coppins Bridge (counter-clockwise circulation) protocol. Given the Boundary Commission’s decision to partition Newport down the middle of the High Street and across to that church where they put people’s names on the billboard, it is recognised that Coppins Bridge will henceforth constitute two large traffic jams rather than one.
Negotiations need to take place, with IW Highways as an interested third party, to agree a switch between “into Newport” and “out of Newport” traffic flow, with corresponding traffic-light sequences. Highways will need to make their way to Havenstreet via Carisbrooke, Gatcombe, Rookley, Blackwater, Arreton, past the tip and turn right.
- Tesco Club Card and Nectar points (bi-lateral redemption) protocol. Reports reaching the Truce Committee Secretariat suggest that some residents who no longer have access to Tesco are sitting on unreedemable vouchers worth as much as £17.50 per head. Their misery is matched only by those whose retirement plans are in disarray due to their inability to cash in their Nectar points at Argos.
The area managers for both organisations will be invited to Havenstreet to discuss a like-for-like exchange; prospects for agreement are considered good, since neither of our Members of Parliament need to be directly involved in negotiations.
- Southern Vectis (segregation by deck) protocol. SV, having ignored Havenstreet completely for several years, now wish to use the Truce Corridor to avoid the need to cut their service entirely into two sections. The Truce Committee is asked to ratify. All services between the two constituencies would thus pass through Havenstreet, which will now get 38 buses per day. Journey times would be extended by approximately two hours and a fare supplement of £8.50 (students aged over 16 £8.50) would apply.
To avoid the potential for truce violations, passengers from the two constituencies are to be segregated on the upper and lower decks. On single-deck vehicles South Wight passengers will enter and leave through the rear emergency door. Chip-and-pin terminals will be provided.
- East Cowes Week (sponsorship and maritime boundary) protocol. East Cowes has served notice that it intends to bring a European Court case against the UK Government if it is denied access to the commercial benefits derived from the yachting regatta. These benefits are said to flow chiefly from the wallets of hundreds, if not thousands, of noisy, rich drunks who descend on the estuary during the first week in August. There is also a fireworks display.
The River Medina maritime boundary between the constituencies is shortly to be marked out under UN supervision. In all probability it will then be mined by one or both sides, and cross-river yachting is therefore deemed inappropriate. Instead, it is proposed to find commercial sponsorship for a smaller, separate, East Cowes event. An approach has been made to Barratt Homes, and a response is awaited.
The traditional Royal presence at the Cowes event may be matched in East Cowes, preferably during the hours of darkness, by people claiming to look like Royals.
- Any other business. The Truce Committee would welcome suggestions from anyone, anywhere, as to how some sanity can be returned to the conduct of Isle of Wight politics.
