This brilliant crafted April Fools was created by Ian Winter. We were hugely impressed by the sheer amount of time and effort he put into creating it! Ed
In a surprising leak of company-confidential promotional materials early this morning, plans by Red Funnel to re-organise traffic-management at its Cowes Red Jet terminal will see a major reform of the way Islanders are able to drive into the terminal to pick-up and drop-off passengers.
Anybody who has tried to drive into the Cowes terminal will confirm that traffic-flow and parking within the confined area causes long delays and awkward traffic-jams at peak periods. The leaked documents and video make it clear that Red Funnel plans to solve the problem by introducing a deli-style numbering system, similar to those that work so well in supermarkets and Post Offices.
Video reveals mocked-up plans
The video – which we believe was created by an external marketing agency to aid management in choosing the best way to unveil their solution – reveals company-confidential plans, proposed advertising materials, and mock-ups for how Red Funnel expects the service to look and function.
Three-point plan
From the leaked materials, it’s clear that Red Funnel’s plans are:
- Every vehicle (apart from public transport and licensed taxis) will be required to take a ticket from a new dispenser at the bottom of Terminus Road.
- If the number on their ticket is the same as (or lower than) the one displayed on new “next customer” display signs, then they can proceed into the terminal.
- If their number has not yet been displayed, then drivers should simply loop around the High Street and Carvel Lane and then check again if their number has been called.
The ticket-dispenser is larger than those used conventionally in supermarkets, to make them easier for drivers to reach, and we understand they will also use “vandal-proof paper”. Documents suggest that Red Funnel will employ marshals throughout the “Carvel Lane Loop” to direct any confused drivers to the correct lane.
Loop-the-loop
As part of the launch plan, Red Funnel will be introducing its new mascot, “The Red Funnel Fennec Fox” to promote the new traffic-flow rules, with marketing plans including new signage throughout Cowes, and a jingle to be broadcast hourly on all local radio stations:
“If your number is not found, just turn right, and loop-the-loop around!”
At the time of going to press, Red Funnel could not be reached for comment.
