Daft Old Duffer returns. Guest opinion articles do not necessarily reflect the views of the publication. Ed
Before every general election, each political party, as a matter of routine produces a series of promises and plans it has no intention of keeping.
So routine has this treachery become, so everyday the lying and prevarication, that no-one any longer even pretends to be surprised.
In fact, most of us don’t even pretend to listen
Change the system
So I propose that we avoid the time wasting fuss we now endure and switch over to a system more grounded in present day reality, as personified by Boris Johnson and the adulation he generates merely by being a ‘character’, a likeable buffoon. Someone you wouldn’t mind introducing to your mum.
Of course, not every candidate can be a Boris. He is a one-off. So we’ll have to go about it a bit scientifically
Study the demographics
The first step in any politician’s parliamentary campaign should to form an accurate picture of the local demography.
More specifically in what proportion are men and women likely to bother to vote. Then, if the results show a majority of female voters, for example, the party’s chosen candidate will be a good looking man. With a hint of a wicked glint in his eye.
And if a majority of them are male, an attractive woman.
Don’t Judge a book by its cover
In either case, a degree of skill will be needed with the fine tuning. Should the man, for example, be forty-ish, sporting a pleasant hint of grey at the temple (but never of course, any hint of a bald spot)?
Something along the lines of the American Presidential Candidate clones in a word?
Or should he be startlingly young looking, hair a tad tousled and engaging grin ever to the fore? After the style of Tony Blair The Youthful?
And likewise, should the female be thirty-ish, brisk in a power suit yet at the same time devastatingly alluring? Or somewhat girly and swirly-skirt leggy, yet with an earnest crusading air about her? And, naturally, also appealing.
A repeat of the false promises
No need for any of these candidates to actually say anything, to trot out false promises about working for the community, or of being a Scouser, Jock, Cockney, or Geordie, to the core.
For everyone knows they will follow slavishly the party line, whatever it may be at any particular moment.
Thus they can concentrate on parading whatever talent they may have. A sort of modern day version of kissing babies. And of course, they must give off that intangible hint of being sexually available.
Political pop stars?
A good opportunity here, perhaps, for all those pop stars who, having squawked their opinion on life and all it contains, and having had their deep insightful thoughts amply praised by equally vacuous music critics, can carry their ‘save the world’ ambitions to further high-profile heights without doing any more harm.
While the rest of us can concentrate on doing something useful with our lives.
Image: Matt from London under CC BY 2.0
