Sal was kind enough to ask me to review the Bestival for VentnorBlog . . . i’d been dithering for weeks about whether to go or not . . . i knew i really wanted to – it’s always been a pretty special festival, and it would be a chance to catch up with many Island friends, particularly those that live as far away as Ventnor – and maybe even a few emgires and mainlanders . . .
. . . but i’d been pfaffing about organizing it . . . because part of me knew that it might not necessarily be a good idea to go at all . . . in fact, it might be an absolute and total bloody disaster . . .
. . . as most of my friends already know, in May i was referred by the Priory in London to an addiction clinic in South Africa . . . i had become, shall we say, inordinately fond of certain herbal preparations & synthetic tinctures of the opiate class, and had also become fairly indiscriminate about what i was prepared to neck in an attempt to anaesthetize myself . . . there was really very little pleasure left in this kind of drug use, and certainly no glamour . . . it was all about trying to avoid really acutely uncomfortable, desperate feelings – feelings of abandonment and estrangement, of social, romantic, creative and sexual disappointment and failure – feelings which themselves had had stongly addictive and compulsive components . . . .
. . . to complicate matters further, i had become anorexic . . . but it’s never the substance that’s the real problem, whether the addiction is to booze, drugs, food or love or sex . . it’s always the feelings . . . the things that make you want to self-medicate in the first place . . . to search for an exit from mental anguish through a door marked oblivion . . .
Science – Six of Swords: Mercury in Aquarius; ability to analyse, to bring together ideas, comprehensive views; all-encompassing understanding; objectivity. You possess the ability to perceive things differently. Your understanding unites many different aspects. Trust your insight. Communicate in a way that is understandable to others. Allow the rose of knowledge to blossom in your heart . . . [Ziegler]
. . . those feelings . . . my feelings – positive & negative – tend to be very extreme, because for a very long time i have had a bipolar disorder, also known as manic depression, which runs in my family . . . it’s a kind of emotional hypersensitivity that is strongly reactive . . . and so i ended up with a dual diagnosis of bipolar II disorder with multiple addictions . . the two often go together like a horse & carriage . . Morecambe & Wise . . . or booze and fags . . . sex and drugs . . . and rock and roll . . .
. . i am adamant that, although i have regularly become extremely ill with it, bipolar itself is not a disease but a syndrome, with both positive and negative aspects . . and like autism, it seems to me to be a spectrum disorder . . . we’re all on that spectrum somewhere, all experiencing variations in mood or affect . . . it’s just that in some of us, the moods can swing from the euphoric highs of hypomania (the really creative periods in my life) to deep, suicidal depression (the shitty bits) . . and sometimes these moods can be experienced within hours of each other (rapid cycling), or be sustained for months on end . . . i have long periods (usually in summer) of hypomania where i am very energetic and creative, sleep only four hours a night, and am totally high on life and the chemicals my own brain is creating . . . inevitably this is followed by a period (usually in winter) of exhaustion and depression . . again, it feels absolutely phsyical – like lead poisoning coursing through my veins . . . at the moment, i’m on a fairly even keel, but can rapid cycle to either extreme at the drop of a hat . . . and, unfortunately, there are plenty of hats being dropped all over the place lately . . . but then that’s life . . .
. . . at both extremes, bipolar can be lethal . . . i have never (thankfully) become psychotically manic . . . people like this often get arrested and sectioned . . . and of course the risks of suicidal depression speak for themselves . . . except for one six week stint three years ago, i’ve managed to avoid hospitalization . . . largely because i hold psychiatrists in such contempt that i tend to avoid them, and more specifically because my family have always offered me asylum when i am seriously ill . . .
. . . so, as a bipolar addict in recovery, whose mood swings are triggered by stress, and who formerly tended to use drugs to mitigate that stress . . . i was going to face a real challenge in attending the Bestival . . .
. . . for the last couple of months i have been engaging in some experiments . . . the first is to see whether i can survive by treating my condition holistically, without recourse to medication or drugs, or to recovery cults – and just with creative endeavour, meditation, exercise, nutrition and the support of friends . . . a second experiment: i have been receiving through the post tarot cards selected at random by a Californian friend, the writer Robert Anton Wilson . . . they seem so apposite that i’m almost inclined to think he might be cheating . . . except that he has been seriously ill, and i just don’t think he’d bother . . . the last ones arrived this morning . . .
Debauch – Seven of Cups: Venus in Scorpio; hyperactivity, displeasure, satiety . . what was the source of joi de vivre has now lost its shine. The flowers are drooping and have developed a stale smell. Emotions are at sixes and sevens once again and indicate that a profound disappointment has not yet been overcome . . You tried to cover up old wounds; but the diversions have not worked. After every attempt at flight, after every high, the ugly face of the old problem is even more obvious than before, and the situation grows darker. Energy is lost due to mood swings and/or situations that do not or no longer correspond to our nature. You can find out yourself whether it is necessary to separate yourself from others or external relationships or whether there are addictive tendencies evident in your behaviour that weaken and burden you. Addicitons are so widespread and manifold that we often become quite used to them without even noticing, and consider them a normal part of our lives. They all have one thing in common: they all indicate a deep-seated fear of inadequacy – we remain inhibited and dependent, and they permanently rob us of our life’s energy . . . It is time to open your eyes and accept reality, which may be painful. The only thing that can free you is the recognition and perception of your own inner reality! . . . Are there any disappointments that you have yet to overcome? Was there a time when you had ‘too much of a good thing’? Did you over do things in any way? . . By recognizing and accepting your shadows, they lose their power . . . [Ziegler]
. . . in South Africa one psychologist described me as a ‘super addict’ – and i don’t think they meant to flatter . . . what tends to happen with addicts is that if you give up one substance addiction, you just substitute another . . . so in periods when i have been drug free, i have overeaten and become overweight . . . or when an emotional dependency on another person becomes intolerable to them (another kind of addiction), my addiction to opiate pain-killers spiralled out of control, or compulsive spending would become an issue . . . some addicts give up drugs, only to substitute alcohol, gambling or sex . . . again, it’s not the substance, it’s the feelings we’re trying to avoid: isolation, inadequacy, anxiety, fear, lovelessness . . . and to substitue for them intense highs, however transient, that make us feel (artificially) more alive . . . or, to supress feelings completely and utterly . . and obtain a kind of stressless oblivion . . . a kind of artificial paradise . . . but of course, what goes up must come down . . it’s the law . . both of gravity, and of mood . . . and then the temptation is to reach for your preferred mood altering substance again, to rectify the fall . . .
. . . attending a festival where, by past experience of my own behaviour & that of most of my friends – & just about everyone i met there – the game is to get as w**kered as possible as soon as you can, & sustain that state for the entire duration . . . this was going to be the toughest (ahem) acid test of my four-month record of sobriety . . .
Knight of Swords: Fire of Air; resolution, ambition, flexible reasoning power, passion . . He knows what he wants to achieve and will not stop until he has reached his goal. His considerable power of concentration is comparable to that of a racing-car driver; thoughts and ideas fly to him with the speed of lightning . . . His determination is directly linked to an ability to feel things profoundly . . Only goals that trigger strong emotional reactions in us can arouse such passion . . Body, mind, and soul (the three swallows) are in harmony and fly with him . . Both energy potentials, masculine analytical (Yang) and the feminine-intuitive (Yin) are used to help him advance . . You are now in good shape to make plans, to set goals, and realise these goals . . . [Ziegler]
. . . incidentally, i feel no shame at coming out as someone who is (1) a recovering drug addict, and (2) a sufferer of acute mental distress of a specific kind . . . if you can come out, as i did, as being (3) ‘gay’ in a community as residually homophobic as the Isle of Wight is, then coming out twice more holds few fears . . . and i’m not coming out thrice just to ellicit sympathy . . . i want people to understand these things . . mental illness . . addiction . . non-standard sexuality . . . to understand that this is not just a problem for individuals, but a community problem in a place where there are so many people who suffer, sometimes in silence and in shame, and in a society where even very simple, small acts of friendship, compassion & generosity can make a vital difference to people isolated by loneliness & perceived differences . . .
XVI: The Tower: Mars; profound inner transformation, healing: the old is destroyed to make room for the new; spiritual renewal, self-knowledge . . The slings and arrows of fortune may appear tragic and incomprehensible. But they only happen because we consiously or unconsciously cause them. Those able to recognize these principles in their own lives and accept responsibility for them have everything it takes for true liberation and ultimate transformation . . . Everything that happens in your life is only for your own good . . . [Ziegler]
. . . as a creative person, i can’t do anything but report back on what it’s like being me, right here, right now . . . and pray that i can maybe shine a light on some areas of darkness, and maybe even bring a little hope and optimism to others . . .
For anyone interested in finding out more about Bipolar Syndrome.
“Stephen Fry: The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive”, Tuesday 19th September,
9pm to 10pm, BBC2 . . . the following link also has links to useful resources for
people who think they are, or might know someone who is, bipolar:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/tv_and_radio/secretlife_index.shtml
