Jonathan Dodd: Different voices, different choices

Jonathan Dodd’s latest column. Guest opinion articles do not necessarily reflect the views of the publication. Ed

It’s always the way of things. Since complaining about people starting sentences with ‘So’, I’ve heard nothing but. And, worse still, I hear myself using it, sneakily, when I’m not listening. There’s a part of me that still hides behind bushes and shouts out rude words. At myself, of course. I’d never do that to someone else. That part keeps making me say ‘So’ at the beginning of sentences.

I don’t feel at all perturbed with this though. I’m used to the idea that we’re all of us a crowd of different people jostling for attention, rather than the rather dull single monolithic personality we like to think we are. I often experience that push-pull of two different parts of myself having an argument or altercation inside, particularly while I’m trying to make a decision.

I just like the shirts
It happens all the time. People who know me are usually aware that I favour Hawaiian shirts. This has nothing to do with any affection I may have for the islands in the Pacific or their culture, I just like the shirts, and what they say about life and about the attitude towards life of those who wear them.

hawaiian shirts

What actually happens every time I’m about to select one to wear, is that I become aware of at least two voices in my head. One is deciding which shirt I should wear and whether it should reflect my mood or influence it, and the other is worrying whether I should put on something so bright, whether anyone else will be wearing one or not, and whether anyone’s likely to laugh at me or think me odd.

Are you nodding? I thought so
I don’t think I’m alone in this. I have a feeling that everyone reading these words will be nodding their heads in recognition. Are you nodding? I thought so. I think it’s perfectly normal. We have these internal dialogues all the time, so often that we don’t even notice them any more. I don’t even feel that saying it is remotely controversial. What I do like to think about is what we do with these voices, and where they come from.

sipping bird

It’s all perfectly normal, and nobody who has this daily conversation inside need think it’s at all worrying or dangerous. It’s just another part of the business of living with ourselves every day, something we don’t usually notice. As far as I know, it has nothing to do with any psychiatric disorders or religious weirdness, and should never be thought of as anything but the workings of a healthy human mind.

Mother, I know you’re up there
Some of these voices are versions of people we’ve installed ourselves. I’ve got my mother in a room just at the top of my internal stairs, where she watches my behaviour like a hawk, ready to shout down at me, or wag that finger. Oh yes, Mother, I know you’re up there. She reminds me of everything I owe her and how much I still love her, of how she would like me to behave, and I do also remember how I hardly ever took any notice of her. But I like it that her voice is there at times when I might need it.

wooden staircase

Of course it’s not my real mother up there, it’s my version of her. She continues to live in my mind, but I don’t believe she wouldn’t recognise herself. These voices are designed to help us. If you have a version of John Wayne, handing out some Dutch courage with – ‘A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do’, you’ll know what I’m talking about. Or Gregory Peck standing up in that courtroom, or Tom Hanks in any Tom Hanks film. I suspect a lot of women have their own versions of Bridget Jones helping them to deal with difficult moments.

Safe and/or happy and/or well-behaved and/or well-liked
All these are recognisable and somewhat mythical figures. We have a lot of others who we don’t know so well. It’s a bit like that wonderful film from last year, Inside Out. There are elements of our character and attitudes that we care about, fighting their own corners, all convinced that they’re keeping us safe and/or happy and/or well-behaved and/or well-liked.

minions

So the part of me that feels I should be less ostentatious and the part that loves Hawaiian shirts have lots of conversations. It’s up to me to recognise what’s going on and think about both sides, before deciding which one I should listen to. I usually go with the Hawaiian shirt, of course, but it wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t consider the plain shirt too.

A group of friends who make the perfect team
We all have these different chunks of ourselves discussing who we are and who we should be and how much of ourselves to show or hide and whether it’s better to fit in or stand out. And it’s good. It’s like having a group of friends who make the perfect team. Every shade of opinion is reflected in that babble of voices, and it’s a great resource to help us on our way through life.

cricketers

We all know people who seem to be all attitude. They decide on a particular course and go for it as if they’re wearing blinkers. I’m often sorry for them, because they either can’t hear their other voices, or they simply ignore them. Almost inevitably, they follow their stubborn noses until they crash and fall, and it’s as if they wake up from a bad dream, only to discover that it wasn’t a dream, and they have no idea what to do next, because the idea of choice wasn’t something they thought they had.

Start thinking about what path you want to take
These people are luckier than they know, because it would be even worse if they never woke from the dream. At least when you do awake, and you see there is choice, you get another chance. And hopefully you listen this time. But the most important thing is not just to listen, it’s to listen properly, and start thinking about what path you want to take.

this-way-sign-

The thing is that we always take the path we want to take. We do, because otherwise we would choose differently. We can always change our minds and our direction, but there are always good reasons for doing the thing we decide to do. We can explain them, and we always weigh up the options as best we can before making informed decisions. Sometimes we need to take one particular path just so we can learn who we really are and what we really want. Sometimes we’re just not ready yet for the other thing.

Everyone flirts with regret from time to time
I know people who play it safe. They have strong urges to merge in with the crowd, behave like other people, and keep in step with their chosen group. They like the apparent certainty and the security of limited choices and unsurprising behaviour. We all have that side to us, so it’s not a strange idea. Some of us lean towards that, and it’s fine. Sometimes these people are aware of the limits they have chosen, and sometimes they experience regret, but everyone flirts with regret from time to time. If you’re really doing the wrong thing, you won’t be able to stop yourself from changing course.

Regret sign

There are others who feel that they need to follow a road less travelled. This might manifest itself in an urge to travel, or go on activity holidays, or it might be the need to play in a rock and roll band, or join the Army, or protest against injustice. It might propel us into dangerous waters, like extreme sports or volunteering for extraordinary ventures like colonising Mars. And sometimes it can turn to the dark side, as in joining cults or terrorist groups or other activities just beyond the edge of what we see as acceptable human behaviour.

Choose to become a Conceptual Artist
I have no idea whether it’s insane to want to join a terrorist group any more than to climb huge mountains or explore pot-holes or choose to become a Conceptual Artist. These things seem as crazy to me as the idea of becoming a Scientologist or covering yourself with tattoos or joining a far-right political party.

hawaiian-shirts-