Jonathan Dodd’s latest column. Guest opinion articles do not necessarily reflect the views of the publication. Ed
There’s a moment every year when I realise that Spring has arrived. It has a lot to do with catkins. I know that the magnolia trees burst into bloom, and the snowdrops appear, and the crocuses peer out of the grass in parks, but the thing that does it for me is catkins. They’re my person sign of hope, that things will get better.
The moment I see these little fluffy yellow things dangling from the bare branches of whatever tree they belong to, I know it’s going to be all right. The long months of horrid weather will disappear, and I’ll be able to put away my thick coat and change my brown hat for my white one. That’s usually the moment before the snow starts coming down. Followed by the onslaught of hay fever.
I like being able to see more of people
I know it takes a long time, with many false starts, and the weather always goes backwards around Easter for a while, but it just gets warmer bit by bit, and my blood becomes happy in its vessels. I like being able to see more of people, as they shed their winter coats, although I never understood why the shops suddenly stop selling bikinis and sunhat as soon as the sun comes out, only to replace them with thick jumpers and gloves.
I used to wonder whether I was afflicted with some sort of contrary disease. Whenever I start to feel colder in early winter and go out to buy gloves, the shops are always full of ‘Next Year’s Holiday Fashions’. It seems obvious to me. You feel cold, so you buy warm clothes. Who buys their clothes six months ahead, for goodness’s sake?
The apostrophe rules
Hang on. Shouldn’t that be ‘For goodness’ sake’? Or even ‘For goodness sake’? I’ve even seen people write ‘For goodness sakes’. What on earth is the right way? I used to think I had the apostrophe rules off-pat, but this one has got me bamboozled.
I would have thought it would be a case of ‘the sake of goodness’, which would imply that ‘the sake’ belongs to ‘the goodness’, so ‘the goodness’ should have an ‘’s’ at the end. Just like ‘My dog’s collar’, which is unambiguous, unlike ‘My dog collar’.
It might be ‘long’ for ‘God’s’
Apparently ‘the goodness’ isn’t really ‘goodness’ at all, because it’s supposed to be ‘goddess’s’, or even short for ‘God’s’. Hang on. It can’t be ‘short’ for ‘God’s’ because it’s actually longer. So it might be ‘long’ for ‘God’s’. Either way, ‘God’s’ or goddess’s’, it should still have an ‘’s’, but if ‘goodness’ stands for ‘goddess’s’ or ‘God’s’, then ‘goodness’ would imply a hidden ‘’s’, so you could say it’s already there, although hidden, or virtual. Now we’ve got virtual apostrophes I think I might be ready to throw in the towel.
We may be world-beaters at being finicky about spelling and grammar, but it looks like the linguistic correctists in France are having a far worse time. They’re trying to get rid of accents, like the circonflexe (or circumflex, as we know it). It’s that thing like a pointed hat in words like fenêtre and boîte (window and box). Apparently someone decreed back in 1990 that these should be phased out, but nobody took any notice until this year, and suddenly there’s a huge fuss.
While quivering with rage
I just know someone somewhere’s going to blame the EU for this, and cite it as a reason for us gritty Brits to leave and forge our own way in the world. If we forge our own way like we forge steel, then it’s going to be a rough ride. No. the circumflex is a purely internal French matter. Not that that will stop people in suits or England football shirts standing on platforms making speeches while quivering with rage about the injustices of foreign correctists forcing their expensive dogmatisms on us.
A lot of people over there are saying that there are too many English words inserting themselves into the language, watering down their own peculiar Frenchiness. They seem to think the same in Italy, and probably a lot of other places. I expect they blame us being in the EU for this too, and they might start calling for us to be expelled from it forthwith. I think the Brexiteer group have missed a trick there, because they’ve missed a whole chunk of support for their cause there.
Such good club members
I suppose they might feel a little uncomfortable asking French people for support for leaving the EU, because they don’t trust foreigners. I think it must be just a little more annoying to have people cheer when you storm out of the room. They’re supposed to be sad that we left, because we’re such good club members.
We do have a strange contrary relationship with Europe after all. We’re a bit like the awkward child who wants to join the Scouts, but refuses to wear the uniform or join in any of the activities. We don’t do free movement of labour, we still have border controls, we still measure in miles and feet and drink pints, we aren’t in the Euro, and so on and so on. But we seem to be the only ones who actually stick to the rules, even if we manage to cut off our noses and ears while doing so.
Contact all the anti-British groups
If I were in the ‘I’ve taken my coat off and I’ve got a cup of tea so I’m not going yet, besides, it looks like it might rain’ group, the first thing I would do would be to contact all the anti-British groups right across Europe and ask them to demand very strongly for us to be kicked out. We all know that we Brits are at our best when our backs are against the wall and we need to get the fleet of small ships out to rescue our boys over there.
We would rise up as a country, united in our determination not to let louts from over there tell us what we can’t do, and we’d dig our heels in so deep that they’d never get us out of Europe. Not even by bending our fingers back, or Chinese burns, or playing their bad pop music very loudly in our ears.
Nobody has any idea
The thing about the EU is that nobody has any idea whether we’re better off in or out. They’re all standing up and making predictions and spouting figures about whether we’d be better off or even more bankrupt than they’ve already made us. They’re having a great time saying the other side’s numbers are rubbish, but it’s all completely in the air. Our decision should be about what we feel is right, and never mind what they tell us.
There’s precious little in this world that’s certain, and you can bet your bottom euro that there are people trying to sell us the idea that even those things are bad for us or not there at all. Nobody is ever surprised when a top person gets caught with their hands in the till, or fiddling their taxes, but we forget that when we put that ‘X’ on the ballot sheet. We should think about what we feel is right, and vote for that.
Very talented people working for them
Nobody knows what’s in all those banks that didn’t didn’t get caught up in the crash a few years ago. Correction: Some people know. They’re the people who had their money safely stashed, tax-free, and they’re the same people who failed so spectacularly to protect anyone else. They’re the same people who still have the money to fund the political parties that keep coming back and making promises made of smoke, and we keep voting for them.
Why do we keep voting for them? It’s because they wear suits and stand up straight and look us in the eye when they lie to us. They look rich and successful, and they are, but at our expense. And they own the newspapers and they have very talented people working for them, who not only engineer their appearance on the news but also manage to keep everyone thinking that the suit and the look in the eye are enough.
Vote for the same people again
I remember during the phone hacking scandal, how many people were disgusted with Rupert Murdoch and his Sun newspaper, but they all kept buying it. In the same way all the people who voted for this government and this MP will be the first to say how terrible it all is and how people shouldn’t be allowed to get away with it. And then they’ll forget it all and vote for the same people again. And again.
I actually don’t know why. I wish I did, because I’d be tempted to tell you all. Right here. Right now. Maybe I’ll work it out. Maybe next time.
I just don’t think it would change anything though. Where are my political catkins?
If you have been, thank you for reading this.
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