Jonathan Dodd: My Christmas List 2016

Jonathan Dodd’s latest column. Guest opinion articles do not necessarily reflect the views of the publication. Ed

Dear Santa

I’ve been a good boy this year. In fact, I’ve put up with rather a lot of somewhat difficult stuff lately, so I feel I deserve a bit more than usual this Christmas. I’d like to make a Christmas list that isn’t for me, but for everyone. OK, let’s see what I can come up with.

1. A renewed sense of proportion
I know you can’t please all the people all the time, Santa, and there are a lot of groups of people who have felt very left out for ages. I may have been happy with the lack of war, relative prosperity despite the terrible economic climate, and good neighbours across the Channel and Atlantic, but I shouldn’t be selfish.

I should acknowledge the aspirations of Brexiteers who want us to be independent again, and curb the tide of immigrants coming over here. They’ve been demonised for decades, and they want some of their own happiness. There are similar-minded people across the Atlantic who have grown increasingly unhappy with the lack of attention paid to them by their government. They’ve felt so ignored and disliked that they’ve voted in their millions to change the system. These people have been waiting impatiently for their day in the sun.

Lots of people have gained freedoms or recognition for their beliefs or their lifestyles in the last few years. They’ve just selfishly celebrated, without a thought for people and groups whose beliefs and ideas have been trampled underfoot by these so-called reforms. We should also give a thought to those who feel their traditional ways of life and belief systems are under threat. No wonder they’re so angry.

So, Santa, I’d like to put on my list a gift of a renewed sense of proportion for everyone. All those who feel left out should be able to understand that you feel their pain, and your present to them would be a symbol of your concern for them while they struggle to adjust to a changing world. And your gifts to those former oppressed and stigmatised is to remind them to be grateful for these new freedoms, and please try to be magnanimous in victory. Thank you.

2. A ‘Citizen of the World’ passport
Back in my youth, when people set off travelling, including me, I got my first passport, and I was disappointed to find out that it didn’t guarantee me immediate entry to every country in the world. Not that I wanted necessarily to visit them all. I managed 14 countries one eventful summer. It was the principle of the thing. I didn’t want a U.K. passport, I wanted one that stated I was a ‘Citizen of the World’.

Back in those hazy crazy days people really believed that freedom and love could set everyone free, and I still believe that, despite evidence to the contrary. I could see that there were people less well-off than me, and many better-off. But wherever I went, despite these differences and the so-called language barrier, I was met with nothing but kind-hearted and interested politeness and a helpful manner.

Perhaps I was lucky, or I was protected by my Shield of Innocence, or perhaps all those rumours of deadly enemies and general lawlessness are fostered by people being divided rather than being able to meet and visit and thereby find out that we’re fundamentally all the same. I’ve never met anyone who doesn’t want to live a peaceful life in a world fit to bring up children. Some disagree as to what that world looks like, of course, and how to achieve it, but I refuse to accept that there are significant numbers of people out there who want only to destroy and were born like that.

I think goodness is natural, and needs to be nurtured, but hate follows from being treated very badly by people who want to destroy all your hope. I don’t understand why we spend any time helping those people who want to blight the lives of others. So, please Santa, could you start handing out ‘Citizen of the World’ passports.

3. Rediscovery of the pleasures of imagining and creating
My third request is to give everyone something that reminds them that the world isn’t just stuff, but is actually a fundamentally beautiful and bountiful place, which we can appreciate and contribute to. We all have some artistic sense and an understanding of beauty. Every human is capable of humming a tune or drawing something recognisable, or growing things, or dancing, or building sandcastles, or stringing words together that describe or enhance an experience.

We waste so much time ignoring the important things and just staring vacantly at pointless uninteresting made-up stuff. We don’t like to take up hobbies, or go walking, or try something new or challenging. We’ve persuaded ourselves that all we want to do is sit and watch television and eat pre-processed food all the time, and so many of us need stimulants of some kind or other before we can recognise that we’re having any kind of fun. So, please Santa, give everyone something that’ll encourage then to rediscover the pleasures of imagining and creating.

4. The art of conversation
When did we stop speaking to each other? Why is it only people walking by canals or sea-sides who say “Hello” to each other as they pass by? I know people who have lived in streets for years who have never even exchanged a word with their neighbours. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve watched a shopper stand talking on their phone while the shopworker sorts out their purchases. It doesn’t cost anything to say “Hello”, or “Thank you”, or “Can I help?” Please, Santa, help people to start talking again.

I think this is rather rude, and it demeans the person who is serving you. Besides, people who do that are missing a very important part of life. When you speak to someone you look them in the eyes. you’re making contact, and that’s actually good for you. Something fundamental happens to you, and to them. On a purely physical level, you feel good and you release healthy chemicals into your bloodstream. And you feel like you belong, you’re connected, you’re sharing the path or the road or the experience with others. And generally the people you speak to speak back, and they feel the same things.

5. Extra hours in the day
Please, Santa, give us all a couple of extra hours in each day. I don’t know about everyone else, but I simply can’t fit everything I’m supposed to do as well as the things I want to do into the current inadequate 24 hours. I end up missing out on a lot of activities or large chunks of sleep, and this just isn’t at all satisfactory. It would be nice to take my time going from one thing to another, rather than being in a tearing hurry. And my life could become more relaxed as well as less tiring. Thanks.

6. Better teeth and eyes. And feet.
I don’t know who was in charge of design and manufacturing when the human body was being developed, but I can’t help but notice that serious shortcomings with certain vital faculties were allowed to slip through the quality assurance phase. I know what a miracle eyes and teeth are, and perhaps at the time they were state-of-the-art. But really, isn’t it time to implement some improvements?

How come most people have eyes that can see to drive but not to read, or vice versa? They’re equipped with muscles internally and externally to adjust the focus, but these just don’t work properly. Some people come out with the frankly insulting idea that our eyes were perfectly adequate for a so-called ‘natural’ life, and it’s supposed to be our fault that we’ve created things like books and mobile phones and cars that are designed to use with our eyes. Come on, Design Department! Where are Eyes Version 2?

As for teeth, the same old arguments come out. So they weren’t designed for sugar, or modern food? Have you ever taken a look at skulls dug up from olden times, for which teeth were supposed to be designed? Have you seen how terrible their teeth were? Teeth Version 2 please. I have to add feet in here, from a personal point of view. Nobody has a good word to say for feet, they’re the butt of most bodyist jokes, and they do deteriorate aesthetically over the years. If eyes and teeth are going to get a makeover, feet should be included.

7. Remote Control House Locks
If we’re clever enough to make remote control car locks, why can’t we have house locks that do the same job? It seems like a no-brainer to me. Especially at this time of year, when I never get to open my front door in daylight. I’m fed up with fumbling in the dark with a bunch of keys and several shopping bags.

8. Unicorns.
Lots of people love unicorns. We’ve been talking about them for ages. Wouldn’t it be nice to have some real ones? Obviously they would have to be silver, and good-natured, in case they started to stab people. And their horn design would have to be approved by the authorities, otherwise all contact with children would be banned for reasons of health and safety. There’s a part of me that thinks that would be counter-productive.

9. Personal weather zones
I have known people whose otherwise-perfect relationships are hermetically-challenged. The symptoms of these are worn-out thermostats and two people in a room, one swathed in several layers of clothes, and a blanket, with the heating on full-blast, and shivering, while the other is in a pair of shorts, sweating profusely. I’m not going to suggest that either is mad, or over-reacting, or of one or other gender, because this is often a fraught subject. Suffice to say, personal weather zones would go a long way towards restoring harmony.

10. Lists that don’t have to round up to 10
My life would be much simpler if we could let go of the obsession with lists that have to have 10 items in them. Thank you very much.

Thank you Santa, I’m looking forward to Christmas Day, and opening all my presents. Have a wonderful Christmas all of you lovely people out there, and I hope all your wishes come true, unless they clash with mine, of course.

If you have been, thank you for reading this.

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