From the South Coast Peruser. Submitted by Pappa Clip. Ed
Planning Permission is being sought for a new type of holiday attraction on the Isle Of Wight.
Provisionally entitled ‘The Poor Weather Shopping Centre’ it will comprise a replica of a typical holiday town shopping street complete with rows of gift shops, cafes, estate agents, building societies and charity outlets, etc.
The pavement will be kept deliberately narrow and the road occupied by a constant stream of slow moving traffic.
Central centre
Situated somewhere at the centre of the Island and served by a large car and coach park, the Centre is aimed at those who, on the frequent cool and damp days of summer like to wander along not buying anything yet have a thoroughly enjoyable time exclaiming at prices, recognising items just like aunt Hortense brought back last year, cooing at fluffy toys and reading postcards.
Gift shops will welcome those who wish to pick things up, look underneath, put them back and to tell each other it was cheaper last year in Jarrow as well as better made.
Chips with everything
Estate Agents windows will advertise property affordable only by multi-millionaires and restaurants list everything with chips. There will be at least one bar where the menfolk can gather to pronounce the time-honoured phrase; “Call that a pint? Cat’s piss is what that is”, “Wouldn’t wash my feet in it”, “How much? You must be joking!”
While standard remarks such as “gurt girls blouse” and “southern softies” will resound from the loudspeaker loud enough to overcome the one arm bandits and leaving our northern friends free to lean their beer paunches against the bar,and glare about to show they don’t need friends.
Supported by Island businesses
Profits from the proposed centre are expected to come in part from holidaymakers booking the coach outing but also from genuine Island shopkeepers who will pay to have their premises kept free for those few who actually intend to spend money.
And from the one item on sale, a handy booklet containing such useful phrases as “Look at that, I’m not paying that. It’s half that in Tescos”. “How much for a cup of tea? No thanks let’s wait till we get back to the caravan”, “Call that a bun? They’re twice as big back home”, “What a rip off!”, “That settles it, we’re back to Majorca next time!”
We hope you enjoyed Pappa Clip’s latest spoof.
