An excerpt from the Military Matters column in the Midland Evening Peripheral. An uncorroborated submission from Pappa Clip. Ed
The Ministry Of Defence announced today that in the future, the British Army will rent its equipment and weapons from the United States, on a ‘use or return’ basis.
“This is not intended as a cost cutting exercise,” a spokespersonman explained. “Rather, it is a logical rationalisation of a weapons procurement system that has existed for some time.
“For many years the system has existed whereby, both we here in the United Kingdom and our allies in America, have developed new equipment in competition. Ending with us choosing theirs on a price basis, whichever version proved most suitable.
The best solution
He continued, “Further,we have consistently bought the wrong kit at the wrong time, and in insufficient quantities to boot. Thereby always confronting our enemies with inadequate and frequently obsolete weaponry.
“In future we will avoid these pitfalls by simply renting whatever we need from our American friends when we need it and not otherwise. Furthemore, after the conflict has been resolved we will be able to return unused kit for a full refund.”
“Won’t this system put us at the mercy of the Yanks?” this reporter asked. “Won’t we end up always with out of date kit – kit the yanks no longer use because they’ve got better?”
“But surely they’ve always got better? What’s new about that?” the spokespersonman pointed out. “I think we can rely on our brave girls and boys to make up in military skill and boldness for any shortcomings in their weaponry. As they always have in the past. And the money we save will help keep the National Health Service up to date – something we surely all want.
“Our brave boys and girls will be glad of it, no doubt,” this reporter said.
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