Daft Old Duffer: High off the hog

Daft Old Duffer is back and this week the language used on a biscuit packet really gets his goat.


Daft Old Duffer returns. Guest opinion articles do not necessarily reflect the views of the publication. Ed

I indulged myself earlier in the week and bought one of those packets of ‘in-house’ biscuit concoctions.

Mine came from Sainsbury’s, but they’re also available in the Co-op.

I’ll say nothing of the flavour – officially strawberry and cream – except that after eating one a day for the past four days it shouldn’t be too long before the sick feeling goes away.

What is this nonsense?
It’s the legend printed on the bag that caught my eye however –

We have worked with a team of expert bakers to create a range of premium pastries, cookies, cakes and artisan inspired breads

They have a problem with u
‘Cookies’ I can understand. It’s a word invented by the Americans because they can’t handle the ‘u’ letter in’ biscuit’. Ask any American to pronounce ‘jaguar’ and you’ll see what I mean. Quite clearly their mouths are simply not the right shape.

Plus it allows them to shove together such weird concoctions as no properly civilised nation would dream of pouring into the same mixing bowl. (I have yet to come across mushroom and blueberry hamburger. But I bet they’re out there somewhere).

‘Cakes’ is obvious. As any Englishman knows they are soft wheat-based, sugar laden delights that don’t coat your fingers and faces with goo. Any that do being, of course, ‘gateau’.

‘Premium pastries’?
But what on earth are ‘premium pastries’? Are they made from premium pastry, as wine is from the premium crux?

If so, where can I buy second cut sweeties?

And finally ‘artisan inspired breads’.

Is the word ‘artisan’ a politically correct way of saying ‘bulls**t’?

Do you know, I rather think it might be.

Image: Seesternrea under CC BY 2.0

Opinion Piece

Saturday, 6th April, 2013 9:37am


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Filed under: Isle of Wight Opinion Pieces

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3 Comments on "Daft Old Duffer: High off the hog"

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They do have biscuits in the US: they are a sort of under-cooked toast that they dip in their gravy. (Actually, that sounds very tasty, don’t you think?) I imagine they must have invented “cookie” so people wouldn’t dunk their custard creams in the Bisto. Some years ago, while visiting [with] friends in Canada, I came across something called a “submarine sandwich”. Rather than the waterproof jam… Read more »
Mark L Francis

Not just “artisan” but “artisan inspired.” So if “artisan” means “hand-crafted” then “artisan inspired” means “not hand-crafted”.
You were right first time – BS.


“Artisan-inspired” means, I’m afraid, that the food looks rough and ready as if made by one person in their own kitchen, but it is actually mass-produced in huge premises on a conveyor belt. But the cost to you is higher, as you are enjoying a little dream you have been sold about the fake origin, as well as the food itself.