Jonathan Dodd‘s latest column. Guest opinion articles do not necessarily reflect the views of the publication. Ed
I’ve just been rescued from an afternoon of not-quite-nodding-off at work. The nodding-off thing isn’t because of tiredness, although heaven knows it should be. It’s because of humidity. Today the air is very damp. Or you could call it muggy. Anyway, the air is very humid, which is my worst kind of day.
Some people don’t like cold. I often sit at the office surrounded by shivering people wearing their outside coats and even gloves, who look aghast at my short-sleeved shirt and relaxed manner.
“Aren’t you cold?” they ask me.
“Yes,” I answer, “but not uncomfortably so.”
Me in my short-sleeved shirt
Some people suffer from heat, and bring in both kinds of fans – electric and hand-driven. They complain bitterly about how hot it is and how they can’t concentrate. I find myself sitting blithely amongst them in my short-sleeved shirt.
“Aren’t you hot?” they ask me.
“Yes,” I answer, “but not uncomfortably so.”
Humidity is my scourge. People seem to think that humidity is the same as heat. It isn’t. My body is finely-tuned to humidity, because it affects me just as much as the heat or cold that other people suffer under. Humid air seems to get inside my clothes and make them sticky and uncomfortable. The air feels thicker and has less oxygen in it. My brain feels fuzzy, as if some syrup has got in there and is gradually clogging up the works.
The romance of air conditioning
Humidity doesn’t care about the temperature. I spent a wretched August once on a Caribbean island where I was never dry. I would shower, then dry myself, then dry myself again, then dry myself again, and then I’d put on my damp clean clothes. I thought I would get mildew.
Similarly, in January when it rains a lot and it’s really cold, the humidity strikes, coming through all the layers of clothes and making them stick to me in a wet and unpleasant way. Everywhere is stuffy and the heating in shops just makes the sticky air move around and around.
I really understand the romance of air conditioning.
Rescued by two men
Anyway, I was having a humidity attack this afternoon at work. My attention was drifting and I could feel my eyelids drooping, while my shirt started to stick to my back and my collar started to chafe my neck.
And then I was rescued by two men. One of them was obviously there to watch, observe and supervise. The other held a long shiny red metal pole. It was actually two tight-fitting poles, one inside the other, which slid up and down in a very satisfying manner. The wider pole was slightly thicker than a tennis racquet handle, and had an enticing button on it at wrist height when stood on the floor. It cost £500.
A fascinating green light
At the top of the thinner pole was a contraption that looked like one of those mysterious kitchen machines, set at an angle to the top, with a base slightly wider than a CD, and a transparent open bowl set on the top. It had a fascinating green light that flicked on and off.
The man with the pole extended it so it completely covered the smoke alarm, with the bowl fitting flush with the ceiling tile. He then switched on the button while the other man watched him. They then both watched the flashing green light for a while. I was enthralled.
“I want one of those,” I said. “I have no idea what it does, but I want one.”
They seemed quite pleased to have made an impression.
Dead good
“Do they make one that picks apples?” I asked. I was thinking you could replace the thingummy in the top with some soft grippers that could detach one apple at a time from the tree and then let it slide down something like a cloth tube to be deposited unbruised in a bag at the base of the pole. It would be dead good.
“It would be a very expensive way to pick apples,” said the man with the pole.
“Not if you had to pick a thousand apples,” I replied, quick as a flash.
“Well, that would still be about 50p per apple,” he said.
And that’s how I knew it cost £500. And I was so pleased about that idea that I forgot to be affected by the humidity for most of the rest of the afternoon.
If you have been, thank you for reading this.
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