An extract from the South Coast Peruser. Submitted by Pappa Clip. Ed
A Mr Phumphrey ‘Tom’ Wilkins of the Heifer Tackle Inn, Splodminster, has contacted us with news of his new ‘Toilets and Reading Room’ Venture.
“I have been struggling for some time with ever decreasing pub sales,” he explained. “In fact I was on the verge of closing altogether. But the council plans to save money by closing the local public loo as well as the public library, have offered me a new lease of life.
Turn pub into public toilet and reading room
“I intend, in short, on doing away with my liquor licence and instead offering this establishment as a combined public toilet and reading room. This being a county town I’m sure the facility will be much appreciated. Folk will perhaps resent having to pay my 10p entrance fee at first. But they’ll soon come round, seeing as there is no alternative. And I will be upgrading and extending that part of the premises as soon as possible – as well as keeping everything clean and well provided for.
“As for the present bar area, that will house a sort of combined tea room and library. Customers ordering refreshments will be free to read from the comprehensive selection of books on display, and if they wish to take the book home to finish it, there will be a small deposit and fee charged.
“There will be a children’s book section too, which should encourage mums to linger,and if business warrants it I’ll be installing a range of computers . In short we’ll be an internet cafe with added facilities – something this town badly needs.”
What the council had to say
Intrigued by this enterprise this reporter contacted the council for their reaction. It proved to be very favourable.
“Just the sort of private venture we want to encourage,” Councillor Bob Pansie declared.
Your reporter took the opportunity offered by this unusually affable response to ask about the current local bone of contention – the defunct library building, situated of course, close by the Heifer Tackle.
Themed pub on the cards
“Oh, good news there too!” Councillor Pansie replied. “We’ve had an enquiry from an entrepreneur who wants to take advantage of the Edwardian, or ‘mild gothic’ as he puts it, architecture of the building to turn it into a theme pub.
“His idea apparently is to lay it out exactly as pubs used to be, pre-tv and jukebox. There will be a lounge, public and ladies bar, plus a snug. Porter will be available and all drinks will be served in pewter mugs. Reproduction hand written notices will be pinned up, declaring ‘no spitting’, ‘no eating on the premises’, ‘dogs must be taken outside to cock their legs’, etcetera.
No singing or dancing
He continued, “A dartboard, suitably aged to make it unusable, together with a collection of darts, various, most sans feathers, will be provided as well as a shovehappenny board table skittles and so on. Tables will be cast iron to make them too heavy to throw and chairs will be chained down. There will strictly no singing or dancing and soft drinks will definitely not be available.
“Altogether the layout is expected to appeal to both the mature dog walker – a species long neglected – and the young set always on the lookout for novelty. It’s just the sort of private enterprise we feel the town needs.”
I must say it took your reporter a moment to digest this news.
“So the bottom line is the pub is going to be a library and the library is going to be a pub. Is that right?” I asked.
“Precisely. Isn’t that great?”
I was careful to ring off before declaring to anyone in the newsroom that I had just received proof the country had finally gone raving bonkers.
We hope that you’ve enjoyed another of Pappa Clip’s spoof articles.
Image: © Roger Hargreaves
