I thought it could never happen, but it was only a matter of time … man of the people, Steve the Greengrocer has finally been lured into a life of greed and rot (and that’s no reflection on his tomatoes).
We have managed to track down a leaked document which explains all (well it’s actually publicly available on the forum, but I love creating a bit of intrigue).
I will be chaining myself to the pavement (once I work out how to do that) outside the shop and hope you will all support me.
From the mouth (or maybe that should be fingers – seeing as he typed it) of Steve of Noah’s Ark, High Street, Ventnor.
As I cannot beat the system, (according to my ex-councillor friend), I have decided to join it.
In view of the fact that ‘anything seems to go’ as long as it brings the applicant increased profits and/or cheap land, I have decided to apply for consent to extend my shop out over the pavement in order to increase my greengrocery sales.
Obviously, as the amount of land that I will be asking for, is a mere fraction of the size of the Cheetah proposal, I would expect to only pay a pro rata price, say £2000 over five years and then as they can buy the freehold for £1 I would expect to pay only 1p for mine.
Obviously, I expect all the mean-minded ‘live in the past’ lot to object, but as the Council appears not to listen to the public, I have no fear of rejection. Of course, I will be claiming that a precedent is already being set by the harbour fish factory and the boat yard. Both of these are on previously public land, so why grumble about the loss of a bit of pavement.
Pedestrians will still be able to walk on the pavement, because I will out of huge generosity, leave a 3 foot strip for them.
As a sop to those who will complain about my ruining the look of the Victorian High Street, I will of course cover the tables and benches in an attractive green grass, (artificial, but very tasteful) and will wear a long brown warehouse coat and straw boater while serving outside.
My local councillor while not supporting me will not, judging by his past record, deem it worthy of his valuable time to listen to you lot, and will vote for delegated decision.
So, I can now officially inform you, that Noah’s Ark is extending outwards across the pavement, in order to allow you greater shopping opportunities and me greater profits.
Of course, should the plan not succeed and I don’t make enough extra money, stand by for a new application in 2 years to turn my shop and flat, (including the pavement area) into a ten storey tower block of luxury flats with a minute shop underneath.
Cheers
Steve
