An Excerpt From The South Coast Peruser. Submitted by Pappa Clip. Ed
This reporter was sent to interview a Mr Pomphrey McChip as a result of a telephone call during which Mr McChip claimed to have been attacked by pirates off the southern coast of the Isle of Wight.
I found Mr McChip waiting for me, along with his family, in the holiday cottage he has rented for the summer. Here, in his own words, is what he told me.
This is how it started
“We was cruising along in me ocean-going, me and the missus and young Jeremy here – that’s me son, minding our own business and enjoying the scenery when all of a sudden we was accosted by this Hoy,” he began.
Seeing your reporter looking a little blank, young Jeremy piped up to explain. “It’s a sort of medieval boat, very tubby, with just the one mast and a single square sail. I looked it up,” he said.
“Yes, thank you Jeremy,” said Mr McChip ‘”Well, anyway this – Hoy – came up and these pirate blokes shouted for us to stop. So we did. Thought it was one of them student prank things, way they was dressed. You know,
handkerchiefs round their heads, eye patches, the lot.”
What do you mean no university?
“Hardly likely, we don’t have a university I’m afraid,” I said.
“Leave it out!” said Mr McChip. “No university? With students at nine grand a pop? Well, I’ve heard you was a bit backward, but that takes the biscuit, that does. Everywhere’s got a university nowadays. Even places up north and that!”
“At any rate, please carry on, “ I prompted hastily.
“Yes well, it wasn’t till we spotted the one with the crossbow we realised something was up.” Mr McChip continued. “It weren’t no prank at all. They said they were part of Prime Minister Cameron’s initiative thingy. You
know, start your own business and all that. They was after doubloons and pieces of eight and Louis d’or and merry teresy dollars and stuff like that apparently. Looked proper upset when we said we didn’t have none.”
No plastic please
“Dad tried to give them his credit card but they wasn’t interested,” said young Jeremy.
“I was just trying to protect me family, cheeky little blighter!”
“Mum offered them a cup of tea,” said Jeremy.
“Well I felt a bit sorry for them, coming all that way in their silly little Hoy thing for nothing,” explained Mrs McChip. “Anyway, they didn’t stop. Spotted another boat and said they’d try for better luck with that. And off they went.”
‘”Very slowly,” added young Jeremy.
“You must have been quite shaken up. Did you contact the police?” I wanted to know.
“Tried to.” Mr McChip said. “Landed at Ventnor and asked some local where the cop shop was. He said he thought it was somewhere up the top of the hill, but he doubted it would be open. Promised to report what we said to one of those community police when he saw one, so we left it at that. We are supposed to be on holiday after all.”
“And they was only doing what the Prime Minister said.” Mrs McChip added.” Whatever his name is.”
I left soon after having enjoyed one of Mrs McChip’s excellent cups of tea. Mr McChip’s last words, as he showed me the door were, “No university? Fancy that. What sort of council you got here anyway?”
We hope you enjoyed Pappa Clip’s latest spoof.
Image: Kevin Dooley under CC BY 2.0
