Daft Old Duffer has been busy this week. Grab a cup of tea and read on for his weekly column. Ed
I see our Esteemed Betters are still chuntering along about the ‘Big Society’.
Which as far as I can see involves power over our lives being transferred from a bunch of know-it-all jobsworths in London, to a bunch of know-it-alls jobsworths living in the posher part of the local area.
I’m not of course putting up the Island as an example here. Of course not. But it does give us lesser mortals an opportunity to fantasise a bit.
Left to run the Island ourselves?
Supposing, for example, the Big Society guff was taken to it logical conclusion, with areas such as the Island being left to run its own affairs.
Provided, of course, it remitted the required taxes to Whitehall and the Prime Ministerial budget for Pretending To Be An Important World Leader.
A new leader for the Isle of Wight?
And let us further suppose that everyone living here has come to his and her senses and, in view of my undoubted acumen, political adroitness and general all-round likeability, has voted me Life Time President, Chairman and Managing Director of Isle Of Wight.Org.Com
Naturally, I would have a democratically elected council to advise me. And who I could blame if I get anything wrong.
No politics please
Also to instantly banish from the council chamber – and if I really, really have my way, from the Island – any who mention the words Labour, Tory or Liberal.
Along with the bunch of nincompoops who think a) they are clever enough to know how to run the Island whilst, b) being too stupid to realise a holiday Island needs public loos and tourist information offices.
Too PC or not to PC
I would like to add that anyone protesting that some word or action was ‘not PC’ would be taken out the back and shot.
But that is perhaps going too far..
Because I’m worth it?
So anyway, having squandered the traditional amount of tax payer’s money on an unnecessary refurbishment of the council offices, what would I do to justify my exorbitant salary? Having of course ignored all promises made in my manifesto.
Well, I’ll tell you. Not a lot, really.
Snagging
Seems to me our Island is in pretty good shape compared with certain other parts of our fair land. It just needs a bit of tinkering around the edges, as far as I can see. And the main bit that requires a bit of edge tinkering is our holiday industry.
Face the facts
Two points to make here – one, the average holidaymaker is no longer content to travel here, including paying the ferry fare, in order to sit on a deckchair on a beach, topcoated and scarfed against the summer weather.
Secondly, it’s about time we took seriously the plain fact that the Island is one holiday destination, like Blackpool, the Lake District or Cyprus, and not a disparate collection of run down tiny little seaside towns all desperately competing one with another.
One carnival for the Island
For example – Let’s stop all having our individual and somewhat impoverished carnival days.
If everyone’s efforts were combined into one Isle of Wight Carnival, with the processions and side shows visiting each town on a pre-arranged schedule, a good case would be made for substantial financial help from the council, thus making it equal to anything Notting Hill produces and bringing benefit to all.
Purpose-built festival site
Another thing I’d do is encourage the current popularity of music festivals. A real money-spinning, local tax reducing move.
But I would permit them on only one, purpose built, council run site which was complete with decent toilet facilities, car and tent parks and a properly constructed and equipped stage. Such site to be situated well away from any of the Island’s towns and villages.
Waiting for the wind to blow
There are of course a couple of big decision I would have to make immediately. Too big to discuss here.
So I’ll simply say, on the subject of wind turbines – I think schoolkids a couple of hundred years in the future will fall out of their learning-pods laughing when teacher explains how we planned to keep ourselves warm by sticking whirly blades on top of long poles and waiting for the wind to blow.
PFI off
And on the road maintenance uproar – when a large company, run by hard headed and experienced negotiators offers a bargain deal to council members who invariably are none of these things – run for the hills.
A lot of people are going to make a lot of money out of PFI and none of them will be us.
Touring coaches a tricky subject
I’m not entirely sure how to deal with those monster continental – touring coaches that are increasingly clogging our lanes and are a major reason for our roads needing upgrading.
I would either ban them from the Island altogether, or allow them just the one trip to their destination hotel, after which they would return promptly to the mainland. Any local tours, would be left to Island firms, who would use coaches of no more than twenty seats.
The mainland coach firms would be happy with this as it would release their enormously expensive vehicles to perform more holiday runs in each week, rather than being tied up here idle for most of the time.
And our Island companies would get a fair crack at the trade for a change. Including Southern Vectis, who would be expected to lay some of it’s increased profit to subsidising local bus fares.
On the road to nowhere
Incidentally, while I’m on the subject of large vehicles pushing up our road repair bills, I would also banish those tractor-container units that the supermarkets employ to clog up the highways.
Any bulk loads carried on the Island would be by civilised-size lorries, Island residents to decide what constitutes civilised.
Doubtless the supermarket bosses would squawk at this, threatening that the increased transport costs will have to be passed on to the customer.
To which my reply would be – no they won’t.
In fact, from now on, Island prices will match – strictly – those charged in Southampton and Portsmouth. Either that or shut up shop and clear off back where you came from.
I’m pretty sure I know what the outcome of that little spat would be.
Thank you and goodbye (for now)
Well, that’s about it really. I do have a pet-hate about those folk who keep me waiting at the grocery check-out while they waste their money on bits of coloured paper.
But as that appears to include a lot of you I’d better keep quiet on that one until I’ve formed my private security force.
