She starts off with a review of The Essex in Godshill. Hope you enjoy it. Ed
Please give a warm welcome another new contributor to the Blog, Adel Jinnos. She’s a woman who likes good food, and given she has a great style of writing, we thought she’d be an excellent addition to the Blog.
Essex Girls Arrive in Style
Didn’t we have a luverly time the day we went to the Essex
A beautiful day, crashed the car on the way, and all for five pounds a bite you know
The main course was good, and so was the pud, but we’ve had to take out a mortgage
A wonderful meal, but was it a deal, cos we’re stoney broke
Some while ago I’d read a partly-forgotten article extolling the virtues of the fine dining to be had at the Essex – the name also appealed as hubby and I met in Essex some hundred or so years ago, and I knew this would be an up-market occasion for his birthday in which dress, style, presentation, arrival etc would all play a part.
So with my usual panache, I spent more than the usual five minutes getting ready and after some time emerged newly washed, powdered, made-up and dressed in my new menopausal-pink frock. The next half hour was spent persuading hubby out of his sweaty “I’m not dead yet” t-shirt (Spamalot – the best musical ever) and into something more presentable.
As the birthday boy didn’t want to drive for his big meal occasion, we had to arrange a taxi to take us to the Essex. We were meeting friends there who had promised to bring us back but my car was not an option after a new friend bumped into me earlier that day. Hey – Chris Thomas, if you’re reading this, I still haven’t got my car back!!!
After spending ages on the phone, a taxi was arranged. The taxi driver – a lovely lady by the name of Ann Faber, who runs her own business on the island and provides a taxi service as a bit of a side-line, arrived at our house. She has her own website – which states: “Our main objective is to ensure that you arrive in good spirits”; and “It doesn’t have to be an emergency or a rescue” and having featured on IOW radio that day – AND hitting the presenters (well done, Ann , good on yer gal) she should have been recovering in a darkened room, brandy in hand. But good spirits prevailed and we bumped our way at some speed to the Essex.
It’s not far to Godshill, and we got a warm welcome from the staff who had a little trouble regaining their composure after witnessing our arrival in Ann’s 4×4 landrover rescue vehicle, painted zebra-style and covered in mud (inside and out). It is obviously not the norm to arrive in such style at the Essex but after meeting our friends and ordering an aperitif in the lounge, we settled down to satiate our appetites whilst coping with continued amused smiles from the staff and heads peering round kitchen doors!
The menu is fairly limited to around six or seven choices of both starter and main course and prices are fixed for either a two-course (£28) or three-course meal (£35). An excellent idea and very easy to follow – I was impressed! The whole menu is simply presented in a bound folder with further information provided on locally procured food supplies. By contrast the wine list is more ext/pensive and as my tipple tastebuds (and pocket) are adequately met by Tesco’s, I chose not to choose – in fact, I didn’t even look! Within a short time we were called to our table in the very pleasant dining room and presented with our mis en bouche!
I’m told the direct translation is “Stuff it in yer mouth”! but this would be abusing the quiet style and graciousness of the Essex experience and one felt one’s sophistication had already suffered enough. Instead I replaced my reading glasses to inspect the morsel, a pre-meal taster, meant to tease and prepare the tastebuds for the main event. It has become more and more common in France but whilst some restaurants compete to serve elaborate dishes, others despise the practice – “Non, chez moi ees pretentious non! Zees practice ees ruduculous et la bouche ne pas amuse!” Some of these tasters in France are actually revolting and made out of heaven-knows-what-or-where-its-come-from-yuck! But before I could put my views to my fellow diners, they’d eaten theirs, so I followed suit!
Our waitress was fantastic! My mind boggled with wicked thoughts of the advert for her job – “Waitress wanted, received pronunciation only, no ethic minorities, must be exceptionally pretty, under 25, dress size 10 or under and able to walk seductively in 6″ heels”. Eat yer heart out 50 + females – at least it distracted the men at our table so I could have a good chat with my pal! The service provided by beautiful, well-spoken, pretty and seductive waitress was spot-on! Our table must have been covered by CCTV and a hidden listening device linked to the kitchens.
The details of the main courses escape me – put it down to the crash or a senior moment – but the taste seemed inconsequential to the presentation. It would have been faux pas to take a photograph, but if I’d had a picture frame handy, it would have seemed more appropriate to frame one of the courses rather than eat it. On the other hand, hubby felt it was good, tasty food, well presented and served – hard luck, Hubby! No way Jose! This, from a man who’d enjoyed the dessert he’d had at a French autoroute aire – pudding with crème l’anglais (that’s custard to you and me) – the crème being tiny dots surrounding the pudding, not dolloped over the pud, school dinner style.
Returning to the subject – the asparagus was served building-block style; a lamb dish reminded me of Helen Shapiro’s hairdo and the desserts of splatter-painting! I was disappointed with my steak, having cooked tastier steaks myself, but elegant; artistique, exquis – Oui! Copius? – Nah!
The bill arrived with a sparkling smile and chocolates which would have looked better on our waitress’ hips than mine and even though it was hubby’s birthday treat, it would have been demeaning to rob him of the manly pleasure of paying and leaving the tip! There’s no doubt that a repeat visit to the Essex would be welcome (particularly if someone else will foot the bill), but having been there, done that, it’s not high on my list of priorities . My only advice to the Essex would be to include something of the history of the Essex and Godshill in the menu – so the ladies have something to read while their male partners ogle the waitresses, and to serve the sauce or cream in pots and provide paintbrushes, so customers can paint their own dots and patterns if they wish!
