Someone’s told me you can now buy fridges that talk.
I don’t know what they talk about, other than reminding you you’ve left the door open. Or you’ve run out of butter. Or you’re way too fat and can only have a lettuce leaf for lunch.
Whatever – I won’t be getting one. My sanity is precarious enough already.
I can recall the time when talking cars were the latest must-have. A pal of mine bought one and proudly showed it off to me.
Do this, do that
Its voice was warm and sexy female, with a hint of german accent. It pleaded with him to shut the door before switching on the ignition, to be sure to release the handbrake before lifting the clutch, to check the rear view mirror before moving off, with him grinning fondly as he listened and obeyed his clever new girlfriend (he didn’t enjoy much of a love life I remember).
‘Ad enough, you’re off
Three days later he traded it in for a non-talking model, losing a lot of money over the deal. And was glad so to do.
He was a travelling salesman which meant days of stopping and going. And at every call he was subjected to the same remorseless admonitions, advice and warnings.
In the same gentle, fond and remorseless voice. Which couldn’t be switched off’.
Climax came on the third morning of ownership when he had to reverse into a tight space and had to hold the driver door ajar in order to watch the kerb.
“Ding-dong. Please close the door before moving off. Ding-dong. Danger! Your door is open! Ding-dong YOU MUST CLOSE YOUR DOOR!”
And to make matters worse, the nagging flustered him into wedging the tyres against the kerb and having to pull forward and repeat the maneouvere.
Immediately after he was observed standing by the car, kicking it and yelling ‘I know the fornicating door is open you stupid woman! It’s open because I want it open. How else am I going to see where I’m going, you silly woman! Shut up, shut up, shut fornicating up!
“Ding-dong. Warning. The engine is still running. Ding-dong. The driver door is open. Ding -dong. The handbrake …. “
Damage to the front side panel and driver door was quite extensive.
