An Excerpt from the Weekly Journal, Vectis Vox Pop. Submitted by Pappa Clip. A day later than usual. Ed
A Mr Wilberforce Whitter, this morning telephoned this journal with a tale that he says, offers clear evidence of the danger to the public resulting from the reduction of police on the beat. Something he asserts is already happening.
We repeat his words verbatim and leave you to judge, dear reader.
“I was making me way home from the pub last night – quite peaceful – something every true born Englishman has the right to do – when I was stopped – accosted rather – by one of them community police officers,” Mr Whitter explained.
New-fangled female type
“Not a proper nark mind – one of those new-fangled female types they’ve got nowadays. Claimed I was drunk and warned me to behave myself and be on my way, just like a real copper, cheeky little moo. Not my fault if the council’s closed all the loos, is it? And I wasn’t pi – drunk at all. Only had a couple. So I told her to get lost, go and cook hubby’s tea or something. And she got shirty – don’t know why – and said she was going to arrest me for drunk and disorderly, and I said go on then, see if I care. And she said she couldn’t – didn’t have the authority, not personally. And I said pee off then, and she said ‘Wait there while I call in a constable.’ And I then said get lost, and legged it across the road. And I didn’t look proper, what with shorty harassing me, and next thing I knew, a car sent me base over Arsenal. So now I’m stuck in this hospital, two cracked ribs and a fractured leg, multiple bruises and lacerations. And I ain’t done nothing. Titchy little whatchaname!”
And the point is?
(At this point it must be confessed, your reporter was less than clear on the point Mr Whitter was attempting to make.)
“But surely,” I said. “It’s your fault for dashing across the road without looking. What has the absence or otherwise of a beat constable got to do with anything?”
“Well, I should have thought that was pretty obvious!” Mr Whitter said. “A proper copper would have felt me collar in the traditional way, wouldn’t he? And that would have been that, me being a gent of the old school.
“But I wasn’t going to just stand there, waiting to be arrested. I’ve got me pride, ain’t I? I mean, she wasn’t even wearing a proper helmet! So I had it away on me toes. And now it’s costing the Government a week’s stay, all found instead of one night and a cup of tea, maybe a biscuit. What sort of saving is that? Not to mention putting me life in danger. Blooming Cameron!”
Image: norio-nakayama under CC BY 2.0
