VB would like to welcome a further contributor to the team, Pappa Clip. Each week, he’ll be bringing his own style of satire and silliness to VB, hopefully delivering a little bit of light relief to brighten up your Friday. Ed
In a further attempt to capture the political middle ground the conservatives issued three statements today.
First, David Cameron, despite fierce opposition from many in his party, confirmed it as official policy that not only was Winston Churchill dead, but so was his spirit.
Second, that in the event of a Tory government Margaret Thatcher would not be asked to join the Cabinet.
Though, if she expressed an interest in becoming Special Envoy to the Middle East she would be provided with a tank.
And third, William Hague stated his intention once more to get the Common Market to agree, once and for all, that we could keep the pound.
(This latter was confirmed by the President of the E.U. who’s is reported to have said ‘why not? Who else wants the bloody thing?’)
Meanwhile a spokesman for the Liberal Democrat Party announced a change of direction.
‘We no longer advocate putting Great Britain at the centre of Europe,’ he explained. ‘Various approaches we have made on these lines have met with such negativity among our Continental neighbours that we have been forced into a rethink. So now we advocate putting the centre of Europe into Britain instead.
‘Specifically we want to remove the Parliament in Brussels to the Isle of Wight.
‘This will give many advantages,the Island being part of Europe and yet seperate from it – both physically and symbolically. It is also a somewhat barren island with ample room for the infrastructure that a great political and commercial hub demands.’
(Here the spokesman paused to point out on a greatly enlarged wall map the situation of the Island.) ‘As you can see,’ he emphasised, ‘it is not situated in the Irish Sea and nobody there speaks French.’
‘But what about the inhabitants of the Island?’ this reporter asked. ‘What do they think of their island being transformed into a huge metropolis’?
‘They’re mostly old,’ replied the spokesman. ‘And part of our manifesto is to re-connect pensions to average pay rises.That should keep them happy. After all, they can’t expect everything and they’ll still have their gardens and drop-in centres. Let me emphasise here, it’s a package neither of the dinosaur parties at Westminster have proposed. The future is safe in our hands. No more questions.’
Asked if he had any comment to make, Gordon Brown offered one of his typically warm smiles. ‘I’m not bothering with sound-bites and ideas cooked up on the hoof,’ he said. ‘I’m just concentrating on listening to what the electorate have to say and making sure to incorporate their views in my plans for the future. After all, it is all about them, isn’t it?’
Image: Rachel E Chapman under CC BY 2.0
